Acadia (psych hospital)

January 8, 2003

Had the ECT done today, it seemed to go okay, I slept most of the day away afterwards, so I’m not sure. Just a little tiny bit of memory loss – a few names, a few details – nothing major. Kevin stayed with me through it – that was comforting. I didn’t take the visceral this morning, but I could tell by the way that I was feeling that I am going to need it. By the way I started to feel I wanted to quit the whole thing right there. Dr. Riaz came into the quiet room sometime this afternoon and said that he had started to read my biography – it made him sad to read it, but I wrote exceptionally well, and maybe he would have me write more. (?) He also asked me if I still wanted to leave and if I still wanted to die – yes to both. Then Dr. Daghar came and asked me the same questions and she was glad that I was doing the ECTs, but she still approved Dr. Riaz’s blue papers.

January 9, 2003

Today I am feeling "unsafe" – if I could just find a cord or something long and strong. I don’t see a level change or going to my room today. Rodney told me that the insurance company is sending Dr. Bloom to evaluate me again.

January 10, 2003

Had my 2nd ECT today. The medicines that they gave me this morning helped me relax enough to make things manageable. There was a court-appointed psychiatrist in to see me this afternoon but I don’t remember much of it. Dr. Bloom was in to see me too, he said he supported me being in the hospital and he recommended long-term hospitalization for "severe self-destructive personality disorder". I’m going to discuss it with Dr. Riaz and them I’m going to discuss it with Kevin with Dr. Riaz there. I don’t know, I don’t think that I could stand being in the hospital long-term. (?) The last time I talked to Dr. Riaz and Rodney, Dr. Riaz said something about being "afraid" of getting better. (?) I don’t think so – why would I want to stay sick?

January 11, 2003

I’ve done and dug my arms all up – they showed me the papers that they filed with the courts today I had to sign for them.

January 12, 2003

Kevin just called – he said that he got the papers on my court date – Jan. 21, and my lawyer is Joseph Baldacci. That’s another nine days in the hospital before I even find out how long I have to be in here! Also, the papers I got yesterday said that I had signed away my parental rights and Kevin wanted a divorce. (?) Kevin also wonders how he is going to pay this hospital bill. I’ve been going up and down today, this morning I started crying when the med -nurse said something to me, and then I’ve been on a "high" today, and then I cried when I cried when I talked to Kevin on the phone, and now I’m "high" again – ready for BINGO–It’s foreign to feel different emotions again instead of a dull/flat blah, depression/hopelessness.