10/27/1994

Everything is all fucked up right now–I made a list of things that were bothering me, and I read it to K. Well, it really pissed him off when I said I wanted us to go to marriage counselling. He said that we have no problems and no counselling will help US. bcause I am a manic-depressive. Yes, lay it all in my lap! WE have nothing to work on he says. NOTHING. Says a whole lot for our marriage, doesn’t it?! I told him tonight that if he won’t go to counselling that I wanted a divorce, and he just shrugged his shoulders! I’m sleeping on the couch tonight, and D doesn’t want to say anything to me!

10/28/94

Still "on the rocks", before my wonderful spouse left for work this morning, he disable my car! I hate feeling trapped, and that was the last straw! I want away from this man, he’s controlled things on too many times. I’m giving him 15 more minutes to get to work, and if he doesn’t tell me how to start my car; I’m gonna damage something he really cares for -. Son of a bitch went too far this time! I have to go to work tonigh, and he won’t be home, so I wonder what he expects me to do? I can’t jeopardize this job. Especially if I have to support Aaron & I alone. I just called Shop ‘n Save, and K has already left, they said they thought he was on his way here. After I got off the phone with him (he said he didn’t touch the car) I broke the phone and went out into the garage and broke 4 or 5 bottles of shit, and the 4 lights for his LTD. (I took them out of the junk yard anyway.) But he’s gonna be one unhappy camper, ugly bear is more like it. Time to do some soul searching. I’m just not happy here, with K; maybe I will never be happy anywhere, with anyone, but I know that I can’t continue to live like this. Either things have to change, or I am getting the fuck out of this relationship. Like Trudy said, I have to be careful what I do, bcause if I up & leave, I jeopardize any chance of getting custody of Aaron. Talking doesn’t work with K, bcause he is stubborn, and refuses to think maybe he has to change. We’re not in love anymore, we just "co-exist", we act like huband & wife, but there really isn’t any feeling there. Let’s face it, it’s just OVER, the only things that are holding us together are Aaron & our memories. We don’t agree on anything anymore, and we don’t want the same things. If I wasn’t so scared of losing Aaron and failing on my own, I’d be gone right now.

K’s home – all hell is going to break lose.