10/18/1994

My orientation at Ames was good, I really think I’m gonna like working there. I met four other girls that are gonna be cashiers (one will be a stocker) and they were fairly nice people. I was a bit shy at first, but after an hour or 2 I warmed up. K said when I told him I was gonna like it there, NOT to act silly! Of all the nerve! The man is convinced I can’t hold my own! In any case, I don’t work again at Ames until Wednesday morning. That’s when I start training on the register. I think I’d like to buy myself some blush & some eyeshadow. Either when I get my b-day check from Dad, or when I get my paycheck from D.N.H.. I will get some. Also, I’m gonna take my spectacles to Coppolla & Coppolla, and ask them if they could put my lens into a pair of plastic frames–if they can, I’m gonna buy a $20 pair and have them interchanged. (I’d like to wear my glasses, buy the wire ones bother my nose). I spoke to Trudy and Dr. T today, and we decided that I would be better taking an anti-depressant again. We’ll see.

10/19/94

Well, I did it! (Actually I did 2 "its".) (1) I bought some eyeshadow & blush–with practice I could get to know how to put it on right. I hope. (2) I told S was getting done November 7th, bcause I really don’t want to work two jobs. I don’t want any "breakdowns" to sneak up on me. I felt very inadequate when I first put on the eyeshadow, but K said that it was a learned art, not a given. So, the 2nd application was a little bit better. If I could just figure out a way to wear it for 5-6 hours without it smudging! But I guess that’s why people carry makeup with them, so they can "replenish" it when it does smudge.

10/21/94

Today has been good; K, mil, Aaron, and I went to Bangor and mil treated us to lunch at Mickey Dee’s, and we both got our hair cut in the Airport Mall Regis Salon. I also bought myself some new socks and a pair of "sleeper" earrings (if you wear them while you sleep, they "pierce" your ears). Dad sent Aaron & I money for our b-day, so I got Aaron a pair of "walking" shoes. Lord knows he needs them! He’s all fired up and ready to go, he just needed the support. Last night I got myself a pair of jeans & dress shoes for work. (also 4 prs of knee highs).

10/23/94

I’ve made a decision today, I’m going to lose some weight: 20 pounds. My biggest problem is soda and sweets – so, they have to be cut out. (I can drink diet soda). For the most part I’m just not gonna eat anything unless I’m REALLY hungry. Like at work we have 3 breaks, and I always eat something – no more. I weigh 159 lbs: that’s only 15 less than I weighed when I was 9 months pregnant! It’s time to do something!

10/24/94

Things are going really haywire right now! Today I lied at work so that I could go to Bangor and spend time with K. I felt very alone + weepy, and childish. I started to think that maybe I haven’t really worked through all of my issues from the past. Back to square one? Work felt like it was closing in on me, and I had to save myself–but I guess I went about it the wrong way. But I couldn’t help myself–the feelings were just entirely too overpowering. I spent K’s lunch ½ hour with him, and it was really nice to just cuddle & spend quiet time together. I’m not really much of a cuddler, but I needed the closeness today.

10/25/94

Still declining. It’s not like something you can see all at once day to day, but all the old signs are back–I feel like I’m falling back down a tunnel.

10/26/94

I’d like to make an appointment with Trudy, but I can’t seem to get a hold of her! Today was my first day of training at Ames, and it’s a bit complicated (the cash register) but I think I’ll be all-right. I guess you could say that it sounds more complicated than it actually is. K & I are having a fair amount of tension going on between us – we argue about EVERYTHING! Money, Aaron, mil, the vehicles, sex, food, everything!! The tension in this house is so thick that you could slice it with an axe! And it only seems to get worse as the days go by. It doesn’t help that mil is here, bcause she’s always around, there’s never any privacy–we can’t even argue in private! But there’s other things going on within the walls of the "D" home. K went to Skowhegan Bank to make the house payment and they sent the money back and said they wouldn’t accept it until we payed the $750! So, we are both pretty upset about that.