09/02/1994

8:03 pm

Well, I worked 8 hours at D.N.H., and I was scheduled to work at McDonald’s 7-12, but I called & told them that K had been in an accident, and I couldn’t make it. On Sunday I plan to go in and check the schedule for next week. I guess I really wouldn’t mind if they fire me, bcause I really am having a hard time w/both jobs. But it’s only one day I’ve missed, so I shouldn’t get fired. So, my story goes: K & his friend L were sideswiped, and K was hit with glass in the face–the blood made it look worse than it was. Good. Good STORY. If I can just remember to go up on Sunday and check my schedule.

I’m debating on whether I should call now & ask if they need me tonight (2 much of a chance they’d say "yes"). Oh well. K is going to E & M’s wedding tomorrow, but I have to work. Breaks my heart.

Sept. 5, 1994

2:06 pm

A whole day off! I’ve spent my whole day in bed. Also did some laundry & fed the baby. K is supposed to be home in about 1-1½ hours. I was thinking of quitting McD’s, but once D.N.H. is out of the picture, I would be left without a job. SO if after this coming week at McD’s I still feel the way I do about it, I WILL give my 2 week notice.

K & I had a discussion about putting my name on the house – he said there had to be a condition – a clause stating that if we divorced, my ½ would go into a trust for Aaron. I told him that I’d rather wait until he trusts me fully – but if he doesn’t trust me, what kind of marriage do we really have? not a really good one, I’d say. Sometimes I feel alone, even though I am married, and sometimes I’d rather be alone. K doesn’t understand – he doesn’t even try anymore: it’s his way or NO way. He’s become very CONTROLLING and I most the time feel like running.

K IS NOT THE MAN WHO I USED TO TRUST & FEEL SAFE WITH! he’s become hard & bitter and almost unfeeling. He scares me sometimes–I mean, I don’t know if he’ll get angry & strike out or not. At one time I knew with all my heart that K would never raise a hand to me, now I’m not so sure.

Sept. 9, 1994

5:30 pm

Well, I quit McD’s today. Yes, story of Amy Sue’s life, she quits every job she has at her disposal, but a job she really likes is only TEMPORARY!

I really hated McDonald’s, I felt inadequate, small, and helpless. I described to K is as: like when you’re in school and nobody wants to pick you for their team. Because you’re such a lousy team player or a nerd. But, for 2 more months I have D.N.H.–after Nov.7, I’ll search for a job in a department store. NO RESTAURANTS fast food or otherwise.

Sept. 13, 1994

9:20 pm

Hi! I called Trudy today and told her that I was gonna be "therapy-free" & medicine-free. She said that it was good, that I had felt that I had crossed that THRESHOLD. Felt, my ass! I AM READY FOR A FUCKEN REAL LIFE! I don’t want to be a "patient-in-therapy shell". So, I have minor flaws, and faults: at least they are mine, and not the product of

ACADIA HOSPITAL!!!

I am not a commercialized human-being. Homosapien. Girl.

K & I had a tremendous fight earlier – he called me a bitch and a c*** and I sat in the tub and cried.

Ah…..yes…..

I was formulating a plan to leave here. I knew I was not being realistic, but the thought pacified me, until I got out of my pissed-off mood.

K & I just made love, and it was nice, but quick. CLOSENESS?