January 1, 1994
January 1, 1994
Happy New Year! (Let’s make it a really good one.)
12:55 pm
I went into Reny’s to work, but I wasn’t on the schedule, and it was really dead so Sylvia said I could go home if I wanted to. So, Kevin and I are gonna take the baby and the camcorder and take a ride up to Ellsworth/Bar Harbor (Kevin says he’s gonna take me out to dinner.) I’m glad that I got a chance to spend the day with my guys – it’s a real treat. Besides that, I’m gonna ask Kevin to stop at "J.J.Newberries" in Ellsworth.
1:18 pm
Kevin’s mother just called and she seemed to expect something from me. An apology? A declaration of love? She sent me a card + a letter, and the letter was really nice, but I’m not ready to "share" myself with anybody but my mate + child. For now. My boss called, and asked why I wasn’t at work, and I told her why – she said "that’s all right" but and asked me if I was gonna work tomorrow. Yes. So on my next cheque I’m only gonna get about $15 (it’ll help with something.) We really ought to take our Christmas tree down.
6:55 pm
Well, a wonderful thing happened today. I started my period! The novelty wore off almost as soon as it occured, but at least I know I ain’t pregnant!
9:04 pm
Kevin, Aaron, and I are back! We’re currently watching what we taped today. Kevin bought me a really nice pair of green-with-black-polka-dotted underwear and then the same design in a pair of to thongs and an a strapless, underwire Bra. The set is really pretty – too bad the owner is so fat & ugly. I felt pretty good about the whole thing until I saw my lard butt and Kevin taped me! (He insists I look fine "you just had a baby, what do you expect?")I HATE MY BODY!
*notes to myself:
1. write about "talking inside head"
2. write about Donald’s punishment
3. MARET?!!!!
11:09 pm
Kevin just said something to me that really hurt my feelings. See, earlier we were gonna us the camcorder and make some "personal" tapes–he wanted to see if the camera was in the right place so he went to get on top of me and I said "no" – but he still PERSISTED/we rewatched the tape, and it bothered me that I said "no" and HE KEPT PUSHING! So I told him so. Well, he rolled around in bed and went to sleep.I felt like talking to him, so I threw a tissue at him, and pulled the covers off of him – and pinched his butt, and he said if HE did that stuff to ME it would almost be RAPE! I’ve NEVER cried rape on anyone, and now as things are starting to clear up for me, and I am being honest and truthful – he says the one thing that could hurt me the most. That he doesn’t trust me enough to know when someone’s love is honest and true, and not SEXUAL! Damn him anyway! I didn’t ask to be sexually abused and I certainly didn’t ask for men to feel that way about me!
(I’m gonna go call Trudy and talk to her.)
I just feel like letting a dam burst, and it won’t come! I don’t even feel like life is worth the effort right now. We had such a good day, and I felt close to Kevin – and now that wall is up again. He said today that he couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just let go of the past and do things without associating them with past issues – he asked why I couldn’t just realize that I wasn’t with Donald & do what I was doing! Does he really think that I asked for this? This confusion and pain – this hell? Kevin is in the bedroom sleeping, as if everything is FINE. I had the thought that if he comes near me I will grab the gun – I don’t want him anywhere near me! Never give him a reason to accuse me of crying rape again! No sex. No hugs. No contact whatsoever! From now on I am his wife in name only. And as soon as I can remedy that I WILL. He was all great + loving and fine when he was trying to get me to have sex, but the minute I said "no" his attitude was severely DISCONTENTED. (He’s also been growling at Aaron for the past 2 days.) When I said I thought I was fat and he said I’d see a sign on something that said "no fat chicks" I started to cry, and he said I was acting stupid!
(Trudy hasn’t called back, and it’s been almost 20 minutes!)
I feel so alone right now – like a black spot in the air. No color. No identity. No name. Just floating around like a dust mote of nothing! Aaron. Aaron. Ok – logically in my mind I am saying that I need to rise above this to be there for my son – but the confused side of me wants to give up. Who the fuck cares anyway?! I’ve got a burning in my chest and my head hurts so bad that I would kill for an aspirin right now. "…..I’ve got a headache this BIG, and it’s got Excederin written ALL over it….." Gonna try to call Trudy again.1-800-640-1211
11:50 pm
Kevin is standing in the living-room doorway with his hands on his hips – demanding that I talk to him because I am acting irrationally. Fuck him.
Acadia Hospital just called and I said that it was really important that I talk to Trudy and the man was very rude and said that she wasn’t available! Fuck him too. She told me that she would always be available to me. Kevin is harrassing me about talking to him and he won’t leave the room – Men are always so Fucken rude! Where are you Trudy?! Kevin just asked me why I do THIS to him. So understanding and loving he is. He wants to reason, reason, reason. WHY DO I DO THIS TO HIM!! Why can’t he just leave me alone to try to deal with thi
s myself!!! I broke the phone tonight and if I moved myself from this chair (where I am curled up in a ball) I would probably break a whole hell of a lot more than that!!!!!!!!!
I guess Kevin Duren doesn’t trust me because he is looking for my car keys and he has gotten himself dressed – probably to disable the T-bird. If I wanted to leave I would just WALK AWAY!!! So help me God if Aaron cries he’d better have himself in this house because I CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS RIGHT NOW!!!!!!
Now I’m at a loss for words! Cry. Cry. Spit up. Drool. Cry.