December 20, 1993
December 20, 1993
8:35 am
Had a really weird dream last night. First I dreamt that I was in a room with a man (he looked suspiciously like a man on a soap opera) and he was naked + had Kevin’s body (I only discovered this when he was back to) and I said something like "are we gonna do it" and he said "you know we’re gonna sleep together sometime" and *STRANGEST THING* I could almost feel him start to penetrate me, and someone knocked on the door! So this man ran off to the (left)?, and that’s when I discovered he had Kevin’s body. Then I was curled up in a ball laying on the floor, and I was crying for Kevin, and he was standing around with "that guy" and just ignoring me!
Second I dreamed that I was in a car with this strange woman (I’d like to say it was my mother but I’m not sure.) and Aaron, and (Kevin?) I FOR SOME REASON got out of the car and started walking (with my outfit from the hospital and my long brown coat, which incidentally has a button missing, but it was FINE in my dream.) I was in a room with a bunch of men sitting on a couch, and I was in the RIGHT corner, and I kinda slid down the wall and became a "human ball" behind the coffee table (that looked like Beth’s) and I said to the first man that was standing there that I needed a cop – my husband was chasing me, and he had already done something bad to me. Luckily one of the men standing there was a policeman and he said that what I said couldn’t possibly be true, because my husband had been searching everywhere for me – I STARTED TO RUN OUT THE DOOR, and the cop ran and held his arms out – tackled me to the floor, and *held me in his arms* and we were sitting on the floor (me struggling in his arms) and my poem book was on the floor and the man was flipping through the pages and pointing out "Amy" and OTHER names, because he didn’t know who I was! Then I began to cry, and the man held me, and it felt good!
Dr. Buchanon came in around 9:00, and she said that basically, I was taking up space that really was necessary for someone who needed it. she said it in a nice way, but the message was "GET OUT, YOU DON’T BELONG HERE". Fine. Everybody says that this is SO GREAT what I’m doing. RIGHT! I did NOT ask to be put in this stupid place – I WANT OUT and I’m gonna tell Trudy so. Thing is that I am SO scared that my feelings will get overwhelming again and NOBODY WILL BE THERE! I can’t stand to be around Kevin (living with him right now) but in here it’s safe, because Kevin doesn’t expect anything! Oh FUCK THEM ALL! Just when I started to "feel safe" and "accepted" – they are telling me that I don’t belong!
I AM SO DAMN MAD!
I knew this was a wrong decision. A hospital is for sick people! I am not a sick person. I don’t belong here! I’m gonna go pack my shit. Trudy will be in later and I’ll tell her that I am going home!
12:48 pm
I’m still here! Trudy came in and said that she recommended that I not leave just yet. (If I did it would be against medical advice (AMA) and the insurance wouldn’t pay for it.) Besides I had my doubts about leaving – but I felt I had (to use Trudy’s terms) ("BACKED MYSELF IN A CORNER".) I’m still not happy about being here, but it’s necessary. Oh well, we’ll see how it goes. I’m not ready to be at home, and so Trudy told me to be honest about my feelings and if I’m still not ready by Thursday or so, to tell here, and we would talk about "Acadia" only problem is that Aaron wouldn’t be able to stay with me and Kevin would have to find a babysitter fro Aaron – AND ON AND ON THE CYCLE GOES.
9:07 pm
First time I’ve had my splint off all day, and I have been taking Motrin for 2 days, and my freaken hand still works hurts.
Kevin took Aaron home for the night so I have a whole night to myself – WHAT TO DO!?
Therapy is going really good – I’m paying more attention to my feelings – be as confused as I may. The imagery stuff is pretty powerful – but I have as yet to use it. (I have only gotten to the door that scared the shit out of me.)
I want to get my hair cut – I keep thinking that if I got my hair cut that it would make things SO MUCH simpler. Would it though?!
10:03 pm
Had a really good session with Beth Trudy today – don’t really like writing though.
10:17 pm
Tried to sleep, but too many thoughts are "going around" in my head. I’m gonna discuss going home with Trudy when she comes in tomorrow. I think I’m ready to give it a "go" again. Tonight Kevin and I had a really good visit–he stayed well over his ½ hour recommended stay – but I enjoyed the time we spent together. I think I’ve come up with a word to "rephrase" my relationship with Kevin – kind of a NEUTRAL term: Spouse or mate. Start afresh + anew. AMY SUE IS KEVIN’S SPOUSE – HIS LIFELONG MATE. SOUNDS GOOD TO ME. Kevin gave me a card, and on the envelope he addressed it to "Amy Sue" he said he did that because of my "firmness" (is that the right word?) about being the "new, improved" me demands a "new" name (my given name) Amy Sue. That small gesture meant something to me, because it seemed to me that Kevin really DOES understand and support me.
We never really did anything important together tonight, we sat in the chair together, and I put my head on his shoulder – and I would have fallen asleep – had it been appropriate. I was very CONTENTED sitting there, and Kevin didn’t speak of anything serious with me – just how Aaron was doing – how he wants us home for Christmas. Stuff about our life together, but no heavy "emotional" stuff. Then we layed on our stomaches on the bed, and did a "logic" problem together. (We’re both poor logic problem solvers) but we had fun. We fed Aaron together, played with him for awhile and then said goodbye like "TRUE" SPOUSES IN LOVE. I really love him, and being in his arms tonight felt like when we were kids, and he would envelop me in his big, strong arms. As for calling our trailor "home"? not yet – I’ll call it my "place" (safe-place in my mind). Where I truly belong, and am living there BY choice to be
with my "family". We are getting rid of the bed. I’d rather sleep on the floor then in that bed now that I have acknowledged how being in that bed makes me feel. I’m single-bed bound! Kevin also asked me if I wanted him to sell the trailor, but I told him "no" because I CAN’T KEEP RUNNING! IT HAS TO STOP – I HAVE TO MAKE MY MARRIAGE WORK AND MY PLACE, A HAPPY – LOVING "HOME".