December 17, 1993

December 17, 1993

2:40 pm

I’m at EMMC again – where it all started. Shit – I’m beginning to feel like I live here! BUT I DON’T FEEL VERY COMFORTABLE HERE. Trudy is doing imagery (focusing) work with me while I am here. It was scary this morning, because I could actually feel things I was picturing in my mind. Whoa! Powerful stuff. Could it really be the answer to my problems.

7:05 pm

I’d like to say I’m enjoying myself here, but NOT! I used to say that I hated hospitals because the nurses bothered you all the time – now I never see anybody!

Lena just called and wanted to know how I was – said there was a possibility that Aaron would be taken away from me if I continued to be hospitalized for this "illness" that the state would take him away from Kevin & I – in that case maybe I should go home right now and lie about my feelings! I saw on the news about a woman who stuffed a sock in her baby’s mouth and killed him, and I felt outraged that someone could do that to their child and in that same second I felt that THAT COULD BE ME! If I don’t get the help I need – but if I’m honest about how I feel could I lose my son?

9:53 pm

The social worker (Honey Cohen) came in to speak to me, and she assured me that because I AM being honest and up front that Aaron would not be taken away. What a relief! I guess that really had me worried. As confused as I am about things, and as confused scared as I am about "unleashing" this, at least I know I couldn’t handle life without my son. NEVER! EVER.

It’s "safe" here at least if I don’t feel it, I know it. If I should lose control I least I know I can call for help. I had that feeling today that I couldn’t COPE but I got through it – it just helped to know that someone was there should things have gotten out of hand. I don’t expect any of the nurses to take Aaron’s care out of my hands, but sometimes my feelings overwhelm me and that is why I am here. But I FEEL THAT IF I ASK FOR HELP, I AM SAYING "I’M NOT A GOOD MOTHER." Ah God. My rationality and logic knows that I am a good mother, when I’m alone, but around other people, + my emotions say that my mothering skills stink.