December 15, 1993
December 15, 1993
9:42 am
I just had a thought – when I lived at home, my days were always exactly the same, so if I had an event or "promise" of something–I would focus mainly on the thought instead of what was happening. I still do that – this morning I got up, and caught myself "letting" myself smile + feel good because of the thought that would be getting that ring.
10:57 am
Kevin is still sleeping (must be nice!) In an hour or so we have to go to Bangor, and I want so much to go into Service Merchandise and make sure the ring is up to my "standards" but I need to resist that urge, because Kevin picked out the ring set.
I’m so sick *see above* of worrying about that damn thing. Enough Amy! Just give it a rest.
I kinda feel empty right now. Wonder why? Maybe Kevin is right, maybe I’m not happy unless I have a 3-ring circus going on. I keep thinking if Kevin + I separate than our coming back together would give our relationship the "oomph" that it is lacking. Kinda along the lines of thinking that IF I STIR THINGS UP, I’LL APPRECIATE WHAT I HAVE IF I LIVE WITHOUT IT FOR AWHILE.
*I was just looking at Kevin and he said "are you feeling cold-hearted today or what?" and I said that I was feeling "distant"*
I’m starting to get those thoughts of wanting to leave again – Okay Amy Sue – where are these feelings REALLY coming from?! – It’s a mood, alright that’s a given, but what is causing my mood? Kevin has done absolutely nothing to me today. IS IT EVEN KEVIN I AM ANGRY AT?
7:05 pm
I had a major blow-out with Kevin today. I wanted to leave, get a divorce – Didn’t care about anything or anyone! Kevin just didn’t understand how my statement about an "emotional separation" – I don’t want to be a "wife" – so after we saw Beth it was agreed that Kevin and I would sleep in separate bedrooms. Tomorrow we are gonna move the crib into the big bedroom, and Kevin is gonna put the spare bed in Aaron’s room for me for RIGHT NOW. Such a relief that it is to me – until I get myself situated and straightened out. Tonight Kevin is gonna sleep on the couch, and I am sleeping in the big bedroom. I hope this really works, I hope this gives me the space + time to figure all of this shit out.
7:54 pm
I said to Kevin on the ride home that no-one or NOTHING COULD EVER MAKE ME HAPPY, because NOTHING COULD EVER TAKE AWAY THE HURT I FEEL INSIDE.
Later Kevin and I are gonna sit on the couch and "cuddle". ONE STEP AT A TIME PEOPLE.
11:10 pm
Kevin & I layed on the couch and he held me, and I felt *good* WARM SAFE AND HAPPY – but I also knew that if I got too "uncomfortable" I could escape into the bedroom. I asked Kevin tonight if he would be my "boyfriend" – and he said yes. I have a tremendous relief off of my shoulders because I don’t feel as if I "have" to PERFORM. Kevin and I were kissing and being a little "intimate" and before it got too serious – I said that I wanted to go to bed, and Kevin said that he didn’t feel cheated.
Kevin & I discussed the "ring" situation and I told him that I wouldn’t feel right wearing a wedding ring right now – and he has lost "faith" in his – so when we feel the time is right, and things are normal – and my mind is a whole lot healthier – we’re gonna get a set (his + hers). The reason that we didn’t the first time, is because I was in such a rush that we couldn’t afford what we really wanted. Kevin said this "stepping back" and letting things that I once rushed progress at a normal rate is almost like being engaged – I thing if we go back to being friends, and build on that, things will be honest, right, and normal.
~what exactly is normal? who the hell knows.