December 11, 1993

December 11, 1993

7:54 pm

I made an "unscheduled" visit to Beth after work today. Had an awful work-day. I have just been miserable all day – and I’m not sure why. Kevin, and I have no idea what to do about this situation! Beth said that the "new" me and the "old" me are at war. I think that I am becoming to rely on Beth entirely too much – is not good. (Beth won’t be around forever.) Who but me, anyway? Being perfectly honest, I think I see a "separation" in mine + Kevin’s future. At this moment I cannot stand to be around him – I have felt that way since I got home – I’ve always taken a bath with the door wide open, and tonight I SHUT + LOCKED the door. I don’t want to sleep with Kevin tonight, either. The bad thing about starting to feel, and pay attention to these feelings, is that I know I am not happy. I have just been "acting" the part of the dutiful, happy, wifey-poo. I AM NOT HAPPY. Beth suggested that I not make any decisions about the future right now, because I’m not ready. My biggest fear right now is raising a child on my own. I’m not even afraid of being alone. Maybe Kevin + I are headed in different directions – I don’t even know what direction I am heading in, but I feel as if Kevin is keeping a lid on my "container" of well-being. Does that make sense? I have no doubt that if I was working full-time and had a place for Aaron + I to go to, I would leave Kevin (or at least have a trial separation.) I feel as if our problems are never gonna be resolved! Strange at it may seem though, I am still holding on to the "happy" feeling of Kevin and I renewing our vows! We’re sitting on opposite sides of the living-room and we keep sneaking peeks at each other, but not looking at each other or TALKING. I told Kevin about what I had wanted to do to surprise him, and when I told him about wanting another ring, he acted disgusted. I want to go for a ride and get away from Kevin & Aaron but how do I avoid a confrontation with Kevin about leaving at night and driving when I am in "this state of mind"? Need to get away and think though. Need some time to think about Kevin, Me, our marriage, our son, our FUTURE.