December 31, 1993
December 31, 1993
1:10 am
Yes Folks, I’m up really late! I woke up – never gonna believe this – having contractions! Oh, around every 10 mins or so! They really seriously hurt! Almost as bad as when I was in labor with Aaron! I called the Dr (my rotten luck, I got a male doctor) I knew who he was because he saw me twice when I was in EMMC last week. He said it could be a variety of things, but he couldn’t say for sure without seeing me, could be flu, oncoming period, a backache (gas?) so he told me to take a Motrin and call him back if it still persists – so I took 2 Motrin (1200 mg). I tried to call Kevin, but the phone just rang + rang. I’m 8 days late on my period, but Dr. Buchanon said that the Norplant can screw-up your cycles. I’m hearing things tonight – the ticking of the clock sounds like Aaron crying – the furnace is sounding like Aaron crying, and all kinds of little creaks and noises are sounding like footsteps, like somebody is in the house. I layed awake from 10:30-11;30 (or so) listening to those sounds, convinced that some man was going to show up in the doorway at any time! Wow, Motrin is good stuff – haven’t felt anything in 16 minutes! (18 minutes now.) I hope that Dr. Swainey doesn’t think that I was retarded for calling him – Gotta remember to call Dr. B’s office sometime next week to schedule an appointment for the biopsy. (cop-i-a-scope) Dr. Buchanon said that if the lab finds any abnormal cells, she could either have me come in periodically and keep an eye on the abnormal cells, or freeze my uterus, and "scrape" off the ab-cells.
11:07 am
The public health nurse is supposed to be coming today (she said around eleven.) I procrastinated this morning – luckily I cleaned the house last night! Kevin is being a real asshole this morning – he called at about 2:30-2:45 this a.m. and said he was at his father’s house – his truck had died, and he needed a ride home. I was TOO tired to drive all the way to Bangor in the snow! Besides, I had taken those 2 Motrin, and 3 Benadryl pills for the itching. Well, Kevin’s brother Shawn brought him home I guess, and Kevin said he was disgusted (Shawn) because Kevin told him that he could use the camcorder this weekend. Bill + Marlene lent that camcorder to US for Aaron, and if Shawn did something to it, WE would be the responsible ones. So I asked him not to lend it to Shawn unless he was with him. And Kevin is supposed to spend this weekend with Aaron and me. Besides, the way I see it way I see it, if Shawn really wants to borrow it, he can go to Bill and ask him – himself! Bill + Marlene are KEVIN’S friends, and I am still trying to find my place within their midst. They always say that I am part of their group – they can say it all they want, but until I FEEL it, it they might as well hold their tongues!
Kevin asked me this morning if I minded if he invited his father + Aunt Kathy this summer – I don’t know. I’m not totally comfortable with the idea. We’ll talk. I’ve been thinking more about our plans for the coming summer. I’m thinking maybe the end of July/beginning of August. The day has to be PERFECT! I’m pondering what kind of dress – not a wedding dress, but something special. Maybe white or pink (pale pink) nothing fancy – but not just ANYTHING. I’ll shop around. And Kevin and I are going to get a new ring set (matching) and we’re gonna put our gold bands in our Bride + Groom glasses from our honeymoon. Maybe we can get Norman to watch Aaron for a night, so we can go away. (Room #211 at the "Colonial Inn" in Ellsworth.) And celebrate with a bottle of Strawberry Hill – what we had on our honeymoon. And hopefully I won’t become pregnant again. (On our honeymoon is when I became pregnant with my son.)
*public health nurse never showed up
*still haven’t taken the christmas tree down
*Kevin is in the kitchen making pizza
* Need to have my double-heart ring sized
*Sent Maret’s letter out last night
*Kevin + Aaron + I are going to the coast today
*Aaron needs his nails clipped
*need to make an appointment with Dr. B
*copy poems from notebook into Diary
*write a letter to Marsha Hiott
*give Leanne back her sweater + PICTURES
*return Bill + Marlene’s camcorder
*give Vicky + Lena their Christmas cards
——-> 14 things on my mind at once! (15)
*need to get some laundry detergent
*change calendar to 1994
*fold all the clothes in the bedroom
*change Aaron’s bed sheet
*STOP watching Soaps!
*remind Kevin to order his stock
(22!)
*get some egg nog + coffee brandy
*write a Thank You letters to Dad + Charlotte and Walter
*write a letter to send picture to Donna
*decide what to say to Kevin’s mother
(26)
*pay on lay-away (socks)
*buy a frame for family portrait
*get another package of colored paper
*buy milk + cereal with WIC cheque
(No wonder my mind is always so jumbled.)
#30 – remember my wedding ring is in my underwear drawer
(12:45 pm)
For the longest time I held on to the "engagement" ring that Victor gave me (a $5 at Ames). I finally got rid of it yesterday. Maybe I’m feeling the need to "exorcise"
my past, by getting rid of m relics. Maybe I can see that even though Kevin never says it, it bothers him that I keep memories of my ex around.
3:39 pm
Just ran into a guy that I knew in Dexter (he came to my and Victor’s wedding). (Galen.)
6:23 pm
Home again. Aaron has been incredibly Bitchy all day, and he’s just lying in his crib and crying. There was a point when I was so frustrated that I yelled "Shut-up" at the baby, and Kevin grabbed my face, and squeezed my cheeks. He said that he was afraid I was gonna hurt the baby – I was a little mad, because I would tell Kevin if I was afraid I would do something, I would ask for help. Because Aaron trusts me totally now, and to hurt him, would bit by bit chip away that trust. I couldn’t stand that. 5 hours and 19 minutes until 1994. Damn, I don’t have to work until next year.
I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. Is it running away?
Kevin + I cut my bangs yesterday, and they actually look good! SURPRISE! (It seems that every time I use a pair of scissors on my head, I FUCK UP!) Here’s the plan with my hair: Keep trimming bangs and let the rest grow and in 5 or 6 months (before we renew our vows) I’ll go and have my bangs and a little in the front cut.
6:59pm
Kevin and I spending New Year’s Eve at home – what were we doing last year? (Neither one of us remember.) I know I told Trudy that I wouldn’t look at alchohol alcohol as the solution to my problem, but I’m celebrating so it’s plausible. I had a strange dream last night (this was after my recollection of Donald). I was filling out an "application" on myself and my application was blank – I was filling in an application to a school "of womanhood." Interesting! We’re watching Rescue 911 on television, and it’s Bumming me hard! Kevin tried to explain that saying "water seeks it’s own level" but I didn’t understand. He said I would understand if I had to saw myself in a "certain class" of people. So I said: Kevin is a tidal wave, Dickie is thshall the shallow end, and I am an eddy. (and snobs are the waterfalls.)
7:41 pm
Just had a wonderful time with my mate. It still hurts like hell afterwards but I’m used to that – no biggie. I figured that once I had a baby, my it would be stretched enough to make love without pain! Oh well – after therapy I should be rid of this vaginismus. Why do I have sex anyway? I know that it’s gonna hurt, but I do it anyway. I really don’t know the logistics behind it, or even the feelings just when I think I am so confused right now! I’m trying to figure out what it’s all "about." Does anything really mean anything to me? If I lost Kevin – I would adjust – if I lost the baby I would adjust – Shit, I lost myself way back in the 80’s and I’ve adjusted fairly well. Is it the alcohol talking, or how I truly FEEL?! Do you know what we make me really happy right now? (If you have the answer, let me know.) I guess I can’t answer the question, because I don’t know what exactly "happy" is.
Yet.
Still.
Probably never – ever!
All my surface pleasures are not really fulfilling, because I KNOW I will get them SOMEHOW eventually. Am I selfish? Yes. Of course. (My legs itch like crazy, but I can’t take any Benedryl because of the coffee brandy.) (Kevin has FORBIDDEN me to mix the 2.) I guess I’ll let him get away with it just this once.
We got a really break today – we owe $100 to "Kenduskeag Oil" since way back in the beginning of October – Kevin has been giving them little by little. Well the lady said that she appreciated Kevin giving what he could when he could, so and she wanted us to make sure we "kept the baby warm", so she was having 100 gallons of oil delivered Tuesday and we could pay her as we went. (She said she knew Kevin was "good for it.")
I almost got some dye to color my hair – light auburn. Nah – don’t want to mess up my "natural" beauty! ha. ha. ha.