December 23, 1993
December 23, 1993
5:48 am
I had a "thought-feeling" occur about 3:30 this morning as I was in the bathroom – I felt so hopeless, desperate, feeling as if the whole world was against me – and it was almost like a "feeling" (flashback). Because I remember thinking and feeling the same things in a long ago bathroom (that same hopeless, lost feeling). I’m thinking that I used to feel that in the BATHROOM, because I could USUALLY be alone in the bathroom. It never even occurred to me that I felt ANYTHING when I was a younger, because I don’t REMEMBER it, but I FELT it this morning. Powerful feelings. This morning This morning I caught myself swearing when Aaron stirred – "Goddammit Aaron" and I could have followed that "line of thinking", but I TOLD myself that it wasn’t Aaron’s fault, he was a baby and he was hungry. Normal baby stuff. I still felt irritated, but kinda like just "rode the wave" – I tried singing to Aaron to boost MY spirits, and I had to tell myself that Aaron is my baby – NOT MY MOTHER. I started paying attention to his little hands (delicate) and he is always moving them. (The way you can control your feelings with "knowledge" is just AMAZING.) I still kinda feel a little "lost + sad" – but I also feel really great that I CONTROLLED this! That makes me feel good, hopeful, and fills me with relief that therapy is working with me, and not against me! Thank you Trudy. Thank you too Amy Sue. (The inner me – who is making all of this possible.) WHEW, I"M HUNGRY. HARD WORK! I think maybe I felt (and actually let myself feel) this morning, because I was sleepy – not in my full self mind so the feelings CREPT IN. And I’m thinking that it’s that "state of mind" (being tired) & out of control that feels familiar to how I felt most of the time I was younger. Um–Lost the thought. TOO MUCH THINKING. I’ll MULL it over while I lay down for a couple of hours. do you know that I HATE Christmas! It’s the idea and what I WISH it would be that thrills me. You can almost lose yourself in a fantasy if you tried real hard. (and I try real hard.) (Didn’t know I was gonna write that last sentence.) I think p some of the problem, hell MOST of the problem is my mother NEVER let me be JUST A KID. I had to "grow-up" at age ten–and from then on my life was just one big responsibility. CHRISTMAS! (I’ll write about it later this am. I know some of what I want to say – but the pieces aren’t all there.)
11:09 pm
Christmas. What are started to write earlier this morning is that the reason I hate Christmas is because I could never enjoy it for the sake of "enjoying it". Maret would get me up really early (another reason why I hate getting up early???) and we would begin preparing xmas dinner. It all sounds quite normal, but who can have fun when you’re being chastised for EVERY LITTLE THING! Let me give you an example of a typical Xmas with my ((family of origin)).
NOTE: I almost never LET myself have fun, because I always knew the time to do the dishes was coming, and that sense of DREAD "filled my whole being." And I still feel that today when I think of doing the dishes. (Or any of the things that were so much a part of my daily life.)
Typical Xmas–(isn’t it ironic that I chose to w write in "christmas colors"?) Christmas Eve was spent putting all the presents under the tree for the "little ones" (this started when I was 12 or 13 so I was one of the grown-ups.) I guess the problem I have with that is: I was never asked, I was told, and it wasn’t an enjoyable experience, because everything was rush/rush, do it all perfectly – DON’T TALK! DON’T HAVE ANY FUN! AND FOR GOD’S SAKES DON’T ENJOY YOURSELF! Plus, this always occured after midnight, so I had to stay up LATE and get up EARLY. My step-father always sat in his stupid armchair and WATCHED. (Lazy Bastard) and my mother got to sit and arrange presents under the tree, while my sister Donna + I hauled boxes from her (Maret’s) bedroom UPSTAIRS. (Do you think that bothers me because it was where "alot of shit" happened?) Donald was drinking beer (ALWAYS! ALWAYS! drinking beer.) It got to the point that if he didn’t have his beer, he was grouchy and violent.
12:39 pm (same day, same place.)
Today Trudy and I discussed going to my place tomorrow, and how that makes me feel. Tomorrow! D-day has almost arrived. I said something to Trudy that I hope she didn’t misinterpret. This morning the thought flashed across my mind that with my hand was big enough to smother the baby – but I wouldn’t + couldn’t act on it, but now I’m worried about how Trudy look that, and what the consequences MIGHT BE. Fear of losing Aaron again. I’m trying not to go overboard with the feelings – I’d like to think that I know Trudy well enough to know that if she was worried about that statement – she would tell me directly. I will just have to TRUST her. I feel that I (what?)
7:52 pm
Trudy + Dr. Tisher were in about a quarter of six, and Dr. T said it was fine to leave tomorrow. I guess I’m gonna see Trudy on Tuesday morning. Going to my place again – I feel a little nervous, but also I’m looking forward to it.
NOTES TO ME BEFORE I LEAVE:
1. ask Dr. Swanee (?) about prescribtions for both the Amperal and the Motrin. (Try to get another refill of Zoloft at Shop & Save pharmacy.)
2. 1-800-640-1211 – ask Trudy if that’s right.
3. pick up cheque at Reny’s tomorrow. (Just called Barb and she said it was all-right if I didn’t work this Sunday – but I’m working next weekend.