December 17, 1993

December 17, 1993

8:00 am

It’s extremely quiet in this room – and hot. I slept pretty well last night CONSIDERING. Kevin and Aaron are supposed to be here in a little while. Dr. Buchanon is supposed to be here a little later too. What am I supposed to do with the rest of my day? Take a walk? ha. ha. Go for a drive? ha. ha. again. I think I’m gonna start my period, because I’ve been having an ache in my pelvic area. Mostly on the right side. I feel empty and sad right now. I guess this is considered depression because NOTHING seems worth it right now – and I don’t seem to have the energy to do it anyway. When I start thinking of something I block it out with "I don’t care."

6:30 pm

Had a real eventful day. Trudy did that imagery "crap" with me, had me "relax" – that was not an easy task – the only way I could relax was to have her sit across the room with her back to me (only then could I close my eyes.) She had me picture myself walking down a flight of stairs (with ten steps) and I could picture a pair of feet clopping down the stairs. My feet? Who knows. Came to a corridor well it *safe* she walked me to a door and said it was safe behind that door – un – uh. I was seized with an almost paralyzing fear – my chest was blocked – my body was hot, and I COULD NOT open that stupid door! Then we "erased" the hallway and we w I was in the middle of the hallway, and Trudy  said there were doors on either side – pick a safe one. Pretty soon I was spinning around and around – so damn confused and scared. Band feeling – don’t like it.