December 15, 1993

December 15, 1993

1:13 pm

Whenever I am around Kevin right now, I feel like I am "in the driver’s seat" in the course of my life – and I have the power to "steer" my emotions and the direction of my life–BUT Kevin is trying to "steer" it for me, all the while telling me that it is ALL UP TO ME. Understand that? But to be an individual, so I have to distance myself from Kevin? I want to be just friends with Kevin now, maybe build up WHAT I NEVER GAVE A CHANCE TO DEVELOP NATURALLY! I was in such a rush to get married and have a baby that I didn’t my feelings time to develop – I just jumped right in and "damn the doubts." OH MY GOD WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? I think after all of this is said and done that I’m gonna push Kevin to a limit of no return and damage something I’ll have to spend years trying to repair and I have to ask myself "is it really worth it?!!"

11:45 pm

It’s been a REALLY long day – Thank the Lord that it is almost over! Kevin + I had a blow-up, and I honestly convinced myself that I hated him, I had never loved him, and I wanted a divorce. Do I? Really? Hard to say right at this moment. We are trying to be "just friends" right now – he and I are sleeping apart, and I’m not "expected" to give hugs + kisses. I don’t know if I ever really was, but that’s how I felt, and that was half the problem. I don’t quite understand why I feel as if our relationship is any different, because we are still married, and we still live together, and we still have Aaron – so what’s changed? My feelings.