11-3-93

11-3-93

Had a visit from the public health nurse today. It seemed to go okay. I saw Trudy yesterday, and she gave me a list of therapists, and I called them, but none of them want to work with me financially, and they all have at least a month long waiting list! Aaron is sleeping in his swing, he’s just adorable. Last night we took him to visit his grandpa, and Kevin’s mother was there, and when she wanted to hold Aaron, I couldn’t stand to see it! I had to leave the room, and then I wanted to leave. I just cannot cope with Donna and her holding Aaron! She stood over Norman and told him to take the pacifier out of his mouth–oh jesus she just makes me so mad.

11-5-93

All is quiet in the "Duren" household. Baby finally went to sleep, and Daddy is at work, so Mama is watching soap operas. I found a therapist to see me. Her name is Beth, and she lives in Dexter, and I have an appointment with her on Monday morning. AND she is willing to work with me financially – besides, her fee is $50 a session, and Mass Mutual covers 80%, so K + I will only have to pay $10. So that obstacle seems to be gone. Beth Lee seems really nice, but I won’t know how she + I are gonna get along or if I’ll feel comfortable with her. I’m willing to give it and her a try.

(6:35 pm)

Time to start writing about feelings. Aaron has been crying almost non-stop for an hour now, and I don’t know what to do! I’ve fed him and changed his diaper, and tried to comfort him, but it’s not in me anymore. Those overwhelming feelings of anger are at me again—–I called Kevin at work, and talking to him helped a little bit, he suggested I put Aaron in his swing, and it worked! Today Dr. Buchanon told me that there would be highs + lows (and this is definately a LOW.) But I thought things were looking up, and it feels almost as if I have fallen back to where I started! I still care about my son, but I feel BIG animosity again. The "anger" has also resurfaced, and the helplessness that I can’t make him stop crying. At this point, I don’t want to comfort him, but I want him to shut-up. I controlled my myself though, I didn’t touch him until the initial angry feelings subsided. what progress, huh? Did I fool myself into believing that all was all right with me? I wish that Aaron would go to sleep so I could just rest my eyes – there’s so much pressure behind them. I wish for just a day or two, I didn’t have to worry or I didn’t have to CARE. (I just glanced over, and looks like Aaron is going to sleep.) Everybody says he’s such a beautiful baby, but I still don’t get that "gush" of feeling–I want to "brag" to all my friends and people I see, but in private I don’t much care – I try to make myself care, and I try to force myself to feel what I think I should be feeling, but what do I really feel? Why don’t I know my own feelings, like a normal person? I want to call Dr. Buchanon and speak with her, but I don’t want to disturb her. So many thoughts are running through my head right now – I want to run away, from Aaron, from life, from myself. I really think I ought to talk to Dr. Buchanon now.