10-25-93
10-25-93
You’ll never guess what has happened: I have been really depressed for the past few days, and last night I yelled at the baby, and I got so frustrated at him that I was afraid I was gonna hurt Aaron, so Kevin came home from work, and made me call Dr. Buchanon to tell her how I was feeling. Dr. Buchanon says I have a severe case of postpartum depression and so now I am back at EMMC! Baby and I are gonna be here for a couple of days – Dr. Buchanon wants to give me anti-depressants, and tomorrow I am going to see a psychiatrist. Whoa! Huh? Dr. Buchanon said that this goes away – this feeling of utter helplessness and sadness. I vowed when I was pregnant with Aaron I would love him and be totally opposite from my mother–and now I’ve already started being abusive! I haven’t hurt Aaron, but I’ve yelled at him, and I feel extreme animosity towards him. I don’t really feel any love when I look at him, or hold him, or feed him. I then feel guilty about feeling this way towards my baby. I hate the thought that I can’t be a good mom, and I need drugs to make me happy. Hopefully this psychiatrist, and hospital stay, and medicine will help me deal with this better. Kevin and I seem to fight about his mother all the time–I’m very uncomfortable with her in the house, and I really hate having her watch over my shoulder. I think I’m gonna ask Kevin to ask her to leave–because she is causing SO much friction between us. She is a nuisance to me, and whenever I say something to Kevin about it, he either gets pissed at me, or shuts me out. To him, his mother can do NO WRONG. I guess she has good intentions, but she is bothering me, and if Kevin really loves me, he will respect my feelings, and make her leave – because his talking to her isn’t solving anything – and I’m afraid this particular subject is gonna break us. We can’t talk about it, and I can’t live like this for the next 2 months! I just don’t need the aggravation! Kevin says he thinks I am just blaming his mother for how I am feeling because I need someone to blame, but it’s not that, she really DOES rub me the wrong way, and it seems that Kevin is choosing her over me!