9-28-93

It wasn’t real labor! I went in to see Dr. Cheff, and she said that my cervix wasn’t dilated AT ALL, and the baby hasn’t even dropped all the way! She did say that Aaron’s head was in the right spot. Ah, wonders never cease! I was so disappointed and upset that I had a hard time not crying, and when Kevin + I got out in the hallway I blubbered HARD! Poor K just held me and told me that everything was going to be o.k. So, we have 13 days left until Baby is due – I guess I will just have to be patient until Oct. 12th or thereabouts. I had a really awful dream last night–it wasn’t quite a nightmare–but I dreamt that I was going to change the baby’s diaper, and I couldn’t find a single diaper anywhere in the house! I was dragging that poor baby all around, buck naked, and I couldn’t find a DIAPER! Donna (my sister) was there, and she said she had a shower curtain I could use until I got to the store, and as I set the baby on the couch to put the plastic on him, and I found a spare diaper, between the cushions, so I set about to putting it on, and when I finished, it was a tiny cardboard lawnmower! I know it sounds strange, but our Lamaze instructor said that it was normal to have weird dreams about the baby a few weeks before they were born. I told Kevin that now would be a nice time to have a mother to talk to right now, and Kevin said "What am I chopped liver?" and I said he never had a baby before, so he didn’t know much more than I did, and he said his mother would be here, but that’s not the same: so I started crying AGAIN! I guess I’m just getting a little nervous about my upcoming motherhood. So much for my "nerves of steel!" I’m less nervous about labor & delivery then I am about how I’m gonna be as a parent!

Later I hope to get Kevin to take a walk and pick some apples – we took a walk yesterday (thought we were "aiding" gravity) and the leaves were SO pretty, just starting to turn, and we stopped at a little tree, and picked some REALLY good apples. Anyway, I’ve got a taste for one of those apples! I told Kevin that I was going to bring a bag/sack so that we can pick some xtra apples and bring them home. I heard from my sister Donna a couple of days ago, and she sounds really happy – she wanted a picture of Kevin + I, and she hinted that maybe K & I should start soon on a niece. Shithead! I wonder why everyone but me is so anxious for me to get pregnant again, when I haven’t even had this baby? Kevin asked when I would even consider trying to get pregnant again. Geez! Mom said something to me when I spoke to her a few days ago, and I’m not sure how to react to it. I know that it is "typical" of Maret, but it kind of hurts my feelings, and I feel that it effects my child, even though he won’t know it yet. She said that I shouldn’t expect her to visit me in EMMC when the baby is born, and I said I didn’t expect any visitors when I’ve just given birth, but I expect if anyone wants to come + see Aaron then we will gladly see people at home. AND she said she wouldn’t have the gas (this almost a month away, you understand) so we could bring the baby to her house – and I told her I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that, because I’d rather be home where I am gonna be breastfeeding and I don’t really want to take the baby for any long rides the first month or two. So she said to at least send her a picture so she knew what her ~~great~~ grandson looked like–and I have decided that if she wants to see him so bad, then she can find a couple extra dollars to get enough gas to come + see us/no picture of K + I or THE BABY until she brings herself to MY HOUSE. Can’t trouble herself to drag her ass ½ hour to see her first grandson, fuck her. She has always used me and manipulated me, but it stops with me, nobody is gonna mess with my child’s mind–she either loves him constantly or not at all!

Kevin’s mother just called and said that she would be (or she expects to be) here next weekend (sometime). Oh Gosh, by then I’ll be a couple of days away from my due date! It’s so close, and yet so far away! I need a new purse – Kevin let me buy a new wallet, and I found a really nice size purple one, but it’s a little too big for my beloved jean purse–and besides, every time K + I go out we he makes me carry his wallet and his keys. Guess what, I found a 4-leaf clover today! (Kevin found 3, actually, one was a 5-leaf clover.) We pressed the best one of the bunch, and we brought some maple leaves home and put them in my big vase. Such a beautiful day for a walk–a moment for just my husband + I. (Not too many of those "quiet moments" for just us left.)