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This poem was written a year + 1/2 ago, when I tried to start therapy:

 

I loved you and loved you for years and years

I’m trying so hard to hide the tears

I learned a truth I thought I forgot

the bitch of it is forgot, I have not

It tortures my dreams and tears at my thoughts

our relationship is on the rocks

I’m trying to forgive, trying to forget

but I need to speak of the pain I have met

The agony that’s tearing me, ripping me apart

it’s a pain that’s trying to disengage my heart

From you, and your presence in my life

The knowledge that you did something that wasn’t right

You hurt me and you hurt me bad

the agony I’m now facing

the pain of what you did to me sends my heart racing

all along I blamed myself, thought I was the filth

and now I find YOU fucked me up and blamed it

on anyone else

But yourself.

When it was you who was at fault

I dread telling on you and having you get caught

But what would happen anyway?

It’s done and over with

they can’t punish you for something you did in the past

The punishment is mine, it’s mine in in my thoughts and dreams

The tears are the thrashing I should have got

for never standing up for me!

It’s the memories and the feelings of shame

knowing that I might have been to blame

along with two lost adults in a screwed up world

who took their anger out on a little girl

That little girl is still inside

she never came out, still she hides

away from the pain and feelings of unworth

away from the shame, the crying and the hurt

It’s not something that I’m soon likely to forget

and forgive you? Never! You know I can’t

I can’t look you in the face, can’t look you in the eye

and tell you why I hate you. Why?

Because there’s no me only the fear

and I’ll have to live with this for years and years

and cry and cry and dreams of horror

and maybe some day, a far off tomorrow

I’ll look at myself in the mirror and say

Despite your abuse – I’m okay.