hmmmm…

I haven’t been really writing that much…..well, not a lot for me anyway.

I’ve been inputting all of my very early hand-written journal entries into LifeJournal on my laptop so that I can cut and paste them into here (OD), but I’ve really been too lazy to hook my laptop up to the internet and transfer the files.

And then I have to ask myself, really, what is the point? Who wants to hear about  my life 17 years ago? But, I’m almost to the point where I gave birth to my first son, and all of the shit started to happen with the postpartum depression and bipolar.

Actually, some of my finest work was done before I was dx’d and medicated. Being on the medication that I am on, somehow "dulls" my feelings and my "creativity". I still have highs and lows, but they aren’t as extreme as they used to be. (When I was in the psych hospital, they said that I could bounce back and forth between both extremes several times an hour – "rapid-cycling" it was called.)

But, I digress. Sometimes it seems like a different person wrote those earlier entries. I probably don’t still believe 1/2 the shit I did back then, and I certainly am not as expressive, driven, needy or self-centered. (Although, my therapist has pointed out that if I was "self-centered", I’d be having more fun than I do, lol.)

But, really, do you ever wonder what is the point? Why get started just knowing that you are gonna die before you finish anyway?

Anyway, gonna go take meds and read for a bit before I go to bed. The combination of ambien, seroquel and trazodone seemed to work okay last night, and I didn’t wake up in a bitchy/drugged mood. (I woke up to blue skies, white fluffy clouds, the birds singing, and everything was wonderful until the boys started screaming and swearing at each other–then I just said fuck it, and went back to bed.)

Goodnight All.

~Kat