June 14, 1993

June 14, 1993

9:18 am

Baby is kicking. I have to tell you, it feels really weird to know those little movements inside of me are the stirrings of a little human-being! A little person. My son. Kevin’s son. I’m still a little nervous about labor and delivery – but when I start to feel nervous or scared, I try to remind myself that millions of women have had babies and they survived it. I’m told that once you give birth to your baby, and you hold him or her, you forget the pain. But what about DURING? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think about the delivery alot, just once in awhile, when I let myself. Mostly I don’t really think about the baby at all. Sometimes I feel like the baby kicking is almost an intrusion. I know that’s wrong, but all the books say that it’s normal to feel a little animosity, even a little "left out". But the book says that if you confront these feelings and talk about them to someone (your mate) then that’s okay. Kevin and I are "ok" I guess, we seem to be doing really well, but the other day we had an argument. It was a REAL doozie. It was so bad, that K thought I was going to leave him. I told him that that is virtually impossible, because of Aaron. Kevin said that didn’t seem to stop other people, and I told him it mattered to me. To be perfectly honest I was considering leaving him – but I can’t take his son away from him, and I can’t very well leave this little boy who has been given life from my body. This boy will be MINE. He’s gonna (already does) have my blood running through his veins. Besides, he connects K and I even further, because he is 1/2 of each of us. I’m not wearing my wedding ring, because yesterday my fingers swelled so bad that my circulation was being cut off – so K says he understands, because your fingers swell when you’re pregnant – but I feel naked and strange without my ring. It’s strange how something becomes such a part of you in a short time.