July 23, 1992

11:27 pm

Well, the meeting with (Robbie) was really fucked up! Kevin and I were hanging on a thread, trying to keep him occupied and entertained. He was a playboy. Plain and simple. We were "strangers" (!!) and the rest of my "dear" family treated me like shit. Hostile fuckers!!!!! Kevin brought me home early, because I was so disappointed and uncomfortable. Then we went to a place in Township 22, and it gave me bad memories of some things in the past. Joe says that that was good, it’s called "progress", remembering things that are just buried in my head. He’s the therapist, right?

Kevin bought me a gun today. I wanted one because I’m afraid Maret is going to come after me if D.H.S. takes the kids away, so I wanted some kind of protection. Kevin wanted me to have one because of my being alone at night at the trailor. It’s a .22 handgun, and Kevin said if I shoot it okay (right), then I can hurt someone, but not kill them. I have to learn to shoot a gun and aim all-right. I hit the Pepsi bottle and blew a hole through it. I feel (semi) protected. I think when I learn how to hit my target, I’ll feel better.

I hope!!

I talked to my fucking ex-husband tonight. Son of a bitch. I found out that he’s got a girlfriend, her name is Kim, and for some reason that made me feel soo jealous! Like, here he is loving this bitch, and he stopped loving me. I feel so incredibly USED. I hated him for loving another woman when he couldn’t even love his wife – and I felt "cheated". I don’t know why, I thought I was over the asshole. Then he told me about his SON – baby son. 4 months old, and fuckface plans to marry his slut. OOH, SEE THE STEAM ROLLING OFF OF MY HEAD?! He said that he wanted children, and he wouldn’t be able to have them if he stayed with me. Fuck him. Jerkface left me because of his NEW family and even though I am divorced from him, and I have Kevin, whom I will probably marry someday, I felt really DEJECTED.

Extremely.