July 10, 1992

11:10 pm

Well. Great news! Kevin got the loan for the trailor! Does this mean that Kevin and I will finally have a home of our own? it supposedly does – but nothing ever comes with a guarantee, does it? I’m really getting excited about this! I have never lived alone in a house with a man, (not even my husband!) So, it will be a new experience – to say the least!! It will be about another 5 weeks, but I’ve already gotten boxes to pack things in! (Told you I was getting excited!) It will be closer to school, and Kevin’s work. I am now what is called "in counseling". I am seeing a counselor – his name is *Joe Stewart*. He seems like a really nice guy, I’ve only had one session with him, but  I feel fairly comfortable with him. He gave me a 566 question personality test to take, and he said that the test usually costs $125 in other offices, but he wasn’t going to charge me. The test is supposed to tell him if I am neurotic, psychotic, a hypochondriac, an alchie, manic depressive, nervous and jumpy, and whether he can help me or if he has to send me to a psychiatrist. The only real difference between a counselor and a psychiatrist is a PhD (in other words, he can’t prescribe any medications.) I like him. And his price ain’t real outrageous either. He wants $100 a month, ($25 a session) and other places want $100 an hour! I have to see him every Tuesday at 7:00 pm. We’ll see, eh?

July 14, 1992

11:20 pm

I had another "session" with Joe tonight. The results of my test were a little shocking! I’m neurotic. (Fancy that!) Which means I have mental things wrong, but I can function in a normal way. Here’s my psychosis: I have a high level of compulsiveness, anxiety, depression, confusion, I have a very low self-esteem and ego, and I’m not very likely to resort to drugs or alcohol to relieve my tensions. (Whew, huh?) I also have a very high level of anger. (My honesty level was very good.) Joe said that I can become a normal person (my own person) and learn to deal with my anger and have a higher opinion of myself IF I really want to work at it. He said it’s going to be a long road and he’s not only gonna fight with me to keep me working at it, but my personality type will fight the help too. Before next Tuesday he wants me to work on retrospect and introspect – looking back and trying to remember how that "little girl" felt. Because this is what shaped my personality. I tried; and I have bizillions of memories, but I don’t think I have any feelings. I wonder if I’m a cold, old stooge? He also told me that I have to confront Mom with the things that she has done, but I’m not ready for that yet. NOT YET. He said that if I can confront Mom, that I’d be unburdening myself of some of my feelings and placing the burden where it belongs, and I’d feel alot better. I told him that she never listens to me, and he told me I could just say a little bit at a time to get my message across. But, what if after the first time, she hides in the house behind Donna again? Then I just look like a foolish idiot again, right?

My divorce is tomorrow morning. Oh Joy. I’m not really looking forward to presenting myself in front of all those people! (It’s not a thought I relish.) But, at least Kevin will be with me. Thank God. Oh Yes! The trailor went through! In a couple of weeks, Kevin should be signing the papers on it. I guess I should be thinking about getting some sleep, I have to be in Newport by 8:30 am tomorrow morning!