April 30, 1992

10:23 pm

It’s been so long since I’ve written! It’s almost summer! 3 months ago, my husband told me that he wanted a divorce and I thought my life was over. I was convinced no-one would ever love me as Victor did. And…..then there was Kevin. Dear Kevin. Even though I married Victor, and pledged my undying love to him, and I felt he was "the one", I’d forgotten just how deep Kevin’s love was. I’m trying to think of a way to describe it. I feel really complete now. Even though I am legally binded to Victor, my heart belongs to Kevin. He makes me really happy. He has a heart of gold, and it’s me he’s chosen to give his heart to. He really cares, and I feel really good when I’m with him. Sometimes though, I forget how important his love is to me, and I confuse our relationship with mine and Victor’s. I’m scared of a lasting relationship, so I beg Kevin off. But I love him so much that I don’t want to lose him – so I keep talking about marriage. I’ve looked at trailers with him, and even rings. I’m sending the poor man mixed signals!! I can’t stop myself. I’m 1/2 way in and out of this relationship. Kevin told me that if he and I were engaged, if I broke it off, that would be it – he’d never ask me again. (Because Victor and I broke it of sooo many times.) He just doesn’t understand that it would be entirely different with him. Vic & I were kids, in a place where everybody was being engaged. We were – I don’t know, I can’t describe it, but it would be a different thing with Kevin. I love him. Plain and simple. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without him – he’s a really big part of it now.