February 9, 1992

9:48 pm

I’m feeling kind of like a "heel". I am a married woman, but my "marriage" has turned inside out, and my husband no longer loves me, or wants me. I have found comfort in the arms of another man. What does that make me? I know to most people it would be called being unfaithful but what in the hell or who in the hell am I being unfaithful to? Victor no longer wants to be my husband, and that hurts, and leaves a person with a big space in their lives. The only thing that’s tying me to Victor is that god-damned piece of paper. I once loved Victor, and I believed in true love, romance, lovers forever – shit like that. I believed our love could get us through anything – he’s the one who gave up. But, now I realize that I let go of Victor when he left for the service – 9 months ago. The only thing I have been holding onto was "the way we were." I guess that we both have changed since when we first got married. Distance can take a little bit of the blame, he wasn’t here for me. For almost a year, I dealt with my life and my problems by myself. Now, being alone so long, I’m used to it. I like my independence and freedom. I don’t hate Victor, not totally – what he did was idiotic, heartless and cruel, but it’s his loss. One day Victor may realize his mistake, but he’s much too fucking late! I will never trust, love or respect him again, for any reason!! But, although I know it’s time to move on with my life, I still (sometimes) feel a little guilty about forgetting Victor and thinking about somebody else. Hard and cynical as it may sound, I am finding it a rather easy adjustment. The only thing that I am really losing is the knowledge and security of a husband. And, why the hell am I trying to justify my actions? I am an adult, I can do, say, and act any fucking way I please, so screw anyone who questions or ridicules my actions!! Anyway, the person who I am "involved with", (no, I guess that there is no denying it anymore) is a wonderful person. I have known him for 6 1/2 years. By saying that I found "comfort" in another mans arms, was the blatant truth. Kevin (that’s his name) has been here for me through it all. The depression, wonder, anger, tears – all of it. And I have made love with him. The weird thing is though, that Kevin succeeds in "turning me on" where Victor never could. but it’s not a totally physical thing – I want to share that act of love with him – let him be a part of me and vice versa. It’s a really weird feeling. I have to admit, I love Kevin. He’s a decent and honorable person, and I admire his morals, his values, his outlook on life, his sense of humor, his understanding, and his patience, but most of all, the way he cares and lets it be known. But I still don’t know about getting seriously involved with anyone right now. He asked me if I would go out with him once my divorce was final, but he said that he would give me all the time in the world if I needed it. I need the time, but I need him there too!