February 7, 1992

I had to start a new journal, the last one had all kinds of words about my love for my husband, and those words mean nothing anymore, so why keep the journal? When Victor told that he wanted a divorce, at first  I was upset, because I was losing someone that I loved very much, and I had pledged my life to. I felt lost, very alone in this big old world. Then, after a couple of days of feeling sorry for me, I got very angry. I wondered how he could do this to me! When you marry someone, that means that you give your love and your life forever! I wondered how one person could just "stop" loving another person! Feelings aren’t like a spigot, they can’t be turned on and off – just like that! I gave alot to him, trusted him and loved him with all of my heart. What I don’t understand though, is why he spent so much time convincing me that he loved me and he would never leave me. I am a very "insecure" person, and had always been afraid that I was going to lose him. Because he was my life.