17/03/2021

I’m in a strange mood this evening. A little bit down I guess but I feel as though I’m managing to deal with it. I can’t believe the date, I can’t believe how quickly time is passing and yet I’m struggling still to get my butt in gear and do the things I want to. I feel as though, although I’m sure a lot of people feel this, that I’ve lost a year. Last year was such a non starter, and 2019 was such a fucking nightmare, like a mess of a year. So now I’m really struggling to get myself back into a good, a constructive place.

I have so many things I want to be doing. I want to be 1)writing daily, 2)exercising daily, 3)loosing weight, 4)not drinking, 5)not smoking, 6)reading daily and 7)getting up at a good time, before 9.30am.

I feel as though I’m not getting where I want to be with these goals. I’ve had a weird day today, I woke up at a half decent time, but I’ve put my meds down which seemed to work for a couple of days to get me out of bed earlier, but now isn’t again, although my mind has just come up with loads of reasons why that is, so who knows maybe analysing it will help to overturn that issue. Though today I thought, why do you always pull yourself out of bed, maybe you need to listen to yourself a little bit closer today, let your own rhythms rule you. It’ll soon be back to the time when I have to get up every day, and I usually do get out of bed at a not too terrible time, or at least a normal time for me. So today I decided to stay in bed, and I actually have had quite a nice day in the sense that I feel more relaxed, calmer, and more chill. Not all the way through the day, but for the most part of it. It’s been strange because I started watching this series a couple of days ago- The Bold Print, which is on netflix and it’s really given me life, it’s really given me some good energy and just generally good vibes. However it’s kinda bitter sweet because it makes me go back to when I was younger in my mind. Oh to be able to dot his life again, knowing what I know now. Gawd, again, I know this is something which so many people say, but I swear I would give a finger to be able to go back, knowing what I know now. I did so well in school, you know, if i’d just kept my shit together for longer, if I’d made different decisions you know. I love the job that these characters do on The Bold Print, and it’s never something I’ve thought about before, working for that kind of magazine. The characters in the programme work for this magazine called Scarlett, which is kinda like Cosmo, or Marie Claire or somehting like that, but it’d just be the best experience I think, writing articles like that and although it’s all amazingly sugar sweet, it’s about these three best friends who just have the best relationship, and they basically have this amazing life- they’re all in their early twenties, and just seem to be living the life you know? And I watch it and I yearn for it, but it’s unlikely now that I’d ever be able to have a life like that, or do anything like that. The jobs market it just too competitive.

-I took a break there, got too depressed and went off to search for mental health publications I could write for.

Maybe I’ll come back to this.