disappear

I watched a youtube today called The Morning After I Killed Myself, which had me in tears. Not that I would kill myself, but I keep wishing I was dead. I went to the grocery store again today, and felt so anxious with all that food around me. I limited my binge this time to healthy food which is stupid since I just make myself sick anyway. But that’s what I did, so I ended up getting brown rice, eggs, a cooked chicken, and 4 loaves of carb-free bread. (I’m saving 1 loaf for tomorrow if needed). All the bad feelings I have are released after I throw up, but then I always end up hating myself again. I don’t think I can stop. How do people live years like this? I’m such a baby.

Oh and I gained 2 lbs. How did that happen?? I was so angry at myself. I did eat cauliflower and an orange yesterday without purging it, how can that cause a 2 lb weight gain though. Probably just body fluctuations but still I just felt like I was so fat.

My coworker called me anorexic yesterday. I now know that I can’t say anything about my weight anymore or what I eat or don’t eat. It surprised me so many people who see me say I’m not fat if I say that I am. At first I thought they were saying it to be polite, but now I think they really think that and maybe I’ve been sounding crazy to talk about how I want to be thin. My thoughts are obsessed with wanting to be thin and with food so I guess I just opened my mouth too much. I have to play it right now so no one gets suspicious because I really hate to be talked about behind my back, even if it’s just a little bit. My other job was like that, only they talked about me a lot and made fun of me openly to my face. I want to be perfect here at this job.

I wish I was anorexic instead of bulimic (if I really am bulimic). I want my bones to be visible everywhere. I want my shoulder blades to stick out more, I want my hips to be just bones.