So I have a dilemma lol
I really want to break up with S, as you all know if you’ve been reading me lol. I have to live with him though. I don’t have a choice at the moment. He still calls me his gf but honestly I don’t care anymore. I don’t like calling him my boyfriend. When I refer to him at all I just call him my guy or something. I don’t even like calling him that, but he’s not ex yet. It’s sad that I don’t even wanna associate myself with him and I hate when we have a day off together. I don’t like spending time with him. We don’t hug anymore, we don’t say I love you, all he wants from me is sex. So why are we even pretending like we’re a couple? What’s the point? Who are we trying to fool? I already wanna date other people but because I’m not a cheater I can’t. Because I don’t want to deal with the asshole side of this man, I don’t. Not while I have to live with him. It’s a stupid situation to be in. My own damn fault. I could be missing out on my mate being stuck with a fool.
Lately he’s been nice, attentive, tries to act affectionate or cuddle. It means nothing at all to me. It’s fake because as soon as he’s mad about something I get the crap end of that. I want to be free so bad. I’ve been trying to save and pay off as many bills as I can so that when I can move I’m set. I’m utterly disgusted by him and he has no clue. He thinks I’m over the bullshit, but I’ve just quit fighting about it. I’ve given up and shut down. I feel like I have to play the game to keep the peace for my own sanity, but it’s not fair to me. I’ve never been fake but I can’t deal with his cold shoulder or his attitude when he’s convinced himself that I don’t love him. Or when he’s had a bad day and I get to deal with that. I don’t like pretending I’m still his girl, but I’m trying to survive until I can make my exit. It is a miserable position to be in, but one I can say I’ve completely learned my lesson from. That’s for damn sure.
And I don’t know if you guys read my last entry, but that guy Anthony I mentioned, is stuck in my head. I think I’ve actually started developing some type of feelings for him, and it’s my own fault for allowing it. I love the attention so much even tho he always keeps it professional. Meaning he doesn’t overstep to make it inappropriate. I came to work today hoping to see him. I only had a 4 hour shift. I didn’t see him so I assumed I wouldn’t. Maybe he was off. So I just pressed on. I still like working there anyway. However, about a half hour or so before I was getting off I saw him come in and I felt relived and so did my heart. He has done nothing major to make me feel like this, yet here I am. When he finally saw me he stopped in his tracks and smiled and said hi like he was happy to see me and asked how I was. I smiled back and said hey and tried my best to keep my composure. He doesn’t have a clue of the affect his actions have had on me. I hate I let myself feel anything. I’m not free to yet and he’s not actually trying to make a move ya know. I know nothing about him.
He’s just the first man in a while to actually seem happy to see me and actually pay attention to me and what I have to say. He’s a bit flirty sometimes, but subtly like I mentioned in my last entry. He’s actually very attractive anyway so that doesn’t help lol. My own “man” doesn’t even do that for me, yet a complete stranger can. I always get a smile from him, even if we’ve already spoken that day. Sometimes he’ll wink, it just makes me smile and feel good. I’m just gonna admire him from a distance for now lol. Lol when I left work, I had to wait for S to pick me up. I could see A talking to a customer and I had to avoid him seeing me because I don’t want him to see me getting in this boys car. I’m a mess, but since I can’t do anything I won’t. So for now, this is just a crush. Nothing more. I’m just gonna enjoy the view lol.