Losing weight

I’ve read that most bulimics are average weight or above average. I’m not sure how other bulimics eat, but I don’t eat 3 normal meals a day and binge/purge other times. Certain things I eat I’ll just want to throw up. It doesn’t matter how many calories are in something or how much I eat. If I feel like I have to get rid of it, I will. Other times I’ll eat to throw up when I’m feeling bad I think. I’m just trying to think about when and why I do this and identify any pattern.

So I noticed clothes getting baggy on me and each day I weigh myself I lose more weight. People say I’m thin, but I don’t believe them when I look in the mirror. But I love running my fingers over my ribs, thighs or shoulders and feeling a lack of fat over the bony areas. But it’s weird that the more weight I lose, the fatter I look in the mirror.

Anyway I didn’t buy more food today but I did eat and throw up once. My throat hurts and I feel alone. I’m texting with one of my friends right now but still obsessing over bulimia. I want to be stricter in what I eat. Like I need to control this more. I need to schedule when I drink a glass of water, when I eat food, when I will throw up. Not at random times and from feelings.