Here we go again

The man that used to be the love of my life, introduced me to Open Diary back in 2004.

Sometimes, I’ll come on OD hoping to see him.  Yes, I’m still acquainted with him on other social media platforms and we talk here and there, but OD was more personal.

I sound pathetic and I’m mad that I haven’t gotten over him.  I feel like I sound crazy, after all these years. Ugh!

My logical side wants for nothing more than for him to be happy.  He’s married with 2 kids now; and I’m married with kids of my own.  The logical thing to do is move on and let him be!

Then there’s my emotional side; which drives me NUTS!  This man has been driving me nuts since grade school (when we were teens).  A part of me wants to be free to tell him how I truly feel.  Quite honestly, if I did that and if he would confess the same thing, I’m not sure I could control myself at that point.  I don’t think I could take it!  I would get lost in him.

I find him to be intoxicating.  Saying this all out loud, even on a SECRET diary, makes me sound like a crazy, love-sick, school girl!  I think of him emotionally and sexually.  It’s like it’s all tied together!  I am in love and in lust over this man.  Now I’ve really made myself feel sick!

I don’t want to hurt my family due to my desires for this man.  Even if he was someone who made me feel safe, it isn’t right.  I love my children and I do love my husband (though I feel our marriage is a little stale and empty).

Maybe I should write some kind of fictional story on this situation, JUST to get it out of my system!  I don’t know, I just want to get it out.  I’m drowning in my desire of him!

All I want to do is feel his hands touching and caressing my body! I want to feel his lips pressed up against mine; to lie naked next to him with our bodies touching.  I want to make love to this man, while telling him how much I love him.  I want to stay awake with him and talk about the things that are on HIS mind and share my whole heart with him.  I want to feel safe with him, like I use to back in the day.

I know that one day doesn’t fulfill my desire to have him in my life.  Yet, I would take even just one moment with him! And I would hold one to that moment like I hold on to the others.

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Ugh! Can I be such an emotional, over-sexed woman?  What the hell is wrong with me?!

I need help!