Food

I had to create a diary because I am so obsessed with food, I want to just talk to someone constantly about it. I started throwing up what I ate only a few weeks ago, but it really took over my life fast. I hadn’t meant it to, but even my thoughts have changed about myself. My thoughts are darker. I started hating myself and wanting to hurt myself, but not suicide, just ways to hurt my body. I only started with throwing up something I ate, and now I’m obsessed with food. I have food everywhere- in my bedroom, my locker at work, my car. I keep it by me when I work. I organize my food. I love having food around me, not even for a binge but just having it around like keeps me safe. And when I don’t eat it and I just look at it then I feel like I’m stronger. I control what I eat and that it comes back out. I like eating the same thing each day. If I’m off work, I have a bouillon soup cube for breakfast, and I’ve just thrown that up once. Then I drink kombucha for lunch and keep that down. If I feel like I need to, I’ll eat something during the day to throw it up. I always throw up dinner. I’ll eat anything for dinner. But I’ve gotten myself in trouble where a few times I couldn’t throw the dinner up so I just had to exercise. Hate myself so much when that happens. At work I like to eat hummus and marshmallows and throw it up. I always throw up at work. I started getting a little dehydrated so I make sure to drink a lot of water afterwards now. I wish I could drink the juice I used to like but I don’t know why but I have to throw it up also. So I just stopped drinking it since it hurts coming up.

In the back of my mind, I know that this is wrong and unhealthy. I don’t want to stop though even though I hate parts of this, like my thoughts of hating/wanting to hurt myself. I’m losing weight, but my body doesn’t look thinner, it looks fatter than when I was heavier. I hate how clothes look on me. I’m not happy like I used to be. But there’s something really driving me to do this. This is surrounding me like armor. I guess it would be considered bulimia. I never wanted to be bulimic but I am throwing up. Right now I wish I could stop even though I just wrote I don’t want to! What’s wrong with me???