Day one

Ah, its been years since I’ve journaled. Literally years.

Its going to be nice. I need a place for my thoughts, so Im back.

My head is a spinning around and my anxiety is high.

This man that i allowed to hurt me emotionally, physically and mentally is driving me up the fucking wall with his mania.

He says its not, says it is, says he loves me, says he hates me, And right now, he hates me, has people who are enabling him online

and off, doing shit for him, talking to him, All the while hes ignoring me and our family.

IT JUST FUCKING HURTS!

Im livid that things turned out to be exactly as I figured they would, back when I agreed to get my shit together and while he was away

in prison. ALL THE FUCKING PROMISES WERE LIES. And Im pissed off at myself for believing in them. I knew his mental problems would be something that would NEVER go away, but the wrong choices hes making right now, without a care in the fucking world for how me or my family feel about the things he’s doing to us, upstairs behind closed doors, laughing at and joking to and talking to anyone who will believe in his Bullshit. My needs are suffering.

this is why I started writing, again.

So, I really dont want to rehash whats been going on lately, so lets just start with what happened over the weekend.

Friday was amazing! We had the best time that we’ve had in a long, long time. All the kids had fun, we got out of the house. Saturday, down.

way down. And it just kept going on and on and on. I Have a mouth and its very sarcastic. But, we were fighting and i dont even recall about what, but Ive been so angry that he can set aside quiet time and relaxing time and can talk so nicely to everyone around him, but when it comes to me, he’s fucking nasty. He refuses to come out of the bedroom. He Spends day and night with his phone, texting and chatting, and emailing and messaging and going live and taking pics of himself and sending it to twenty people at a time, so they all respond at once, group chats…. its MADNESS. on top of the noises for his work, and watching tv and smoking dabs and its just too much.

Everything out of his mouth to me is an argument. I’ve seen this behavior before. Hes fucking doing shit he shouldnt be doing, and hiding it all from me, again.

Blocked on facebook, blocked on our personal phones, dont answer my texts, dont even reply to them.

Go chase your next fucking high!

He doesnt pay attention to his daughter, he barely says a word to my son. FUCK ALL THIS SHIT!

Its NOT WORTH IT!

Theres a whole shitload of things in my head right now, and one of them is

WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME HOW TO PARENT WHEN YOUR BEHIND DOORS, IGNORNING YOUR OWN!!!

Another I was thinking about was

I’m around whenever you need me and i respond with kindness, but when i need you, you’re bitter and shallow. FUCK OUTTA HERE!

Third is GO CHASE ANOTHER HIGH!

And you don’t need to know everything to understand what happened! In fact you don’t even have to remember it that well because i think a part of your brain remembers whether it was a pleasant or bad experience an it reacts to THAT more than it it does to any details of the action.

But all that shit aside, I want to believe part of this is craziness from his bipolar mania, but I’m also aware that these horrible things he says and does are CHOICES hes making within himself, and that can be changed.

He hasn’t texted me all day, so I think I’m probably still blocked, so my attitude will be to ignore when he gets in the door. I really dont want to be in here to see that smirk on his face, but I’m thinking the absolute worst case scenario, he could reach out. He did at 7am, its now after 2 and he’s probably distracted by someone else.