Any advice?

10.02.21

The feeling comes and goes. I could be happy but then remember that I’m not really. And I don’t know why I feel like this. I should feel grateful for everything I have and then I feel guilty for feeling like this and it’s just a never ending cycle. It all just piles up and I’ll keep recalling things from years ago.

Sometimes the feeling just pounces on me. And it seems to crawl up my body, curling around my spine. And I’ll be sat in class fidgeting as if trying to shake it off.

When I’m alone it seems that everything building up in the day just hits me full force. I’ll scratch at my skin and pull at my hair but the feeling won’t leave. And it’s like panic clouds my mind and it’s all I can focus on and it feels like I’m drowning.

And I need to get out of there, everyone is watching me and they’re all judging and the rooms too crowded-there’s no air.

I can be completely alone and still feel watched and judged. I’m suffocating.

It feels like all eyes are on me and a part of me knows that this isn’t true but I just don’t seem to listen to it. And I act normal and smile and when I talk my voice sounds normal.

I feel hot at times like this. Like I’m overheating and even if I strip and stand in the rain I’ll still burn. I want to strip myself of my skin, to break out from this body. My own boy is trapping me.

Sometimes it feels like I’m floating. This world isn’t real and everything is distant, or maybe I’m distant.

It’s like I’m numb and I’ve lost all feeling and I will do anything to feel. But I have no energy to do anything and everything feels pointless. I don’t want to move; these are the days I don’t want to leave my bed. I’m cold but I don’t want to warm up. It’s like everything is fake and needs so much effort.

And I know I should smile but I can’t even force myself to do that. I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to even go on my phone or talk or eat. I have no motivation, it’s all pointless anyway.

I just want to stay where I am and do nothing. I don’t think or create stories in my head. I’m just there. I’ll put in music to try and give myself something to do. The happiest songs don’t make me feel happy right now.

And people yell at me for being lazy but I can’t bring myself to care. What’s the point to anything? Everything’s numb. It’s like I’m in my ow world, and I feel like no one understands.

I feel guilty because I have it so much better than others but I don’t know how to stop this feeling. I feel like a burden and I’ve felt like this for years but no one has ever known. It’s gotten even worse this past year and no one seems to really notice. To my friends I’m the happy one, I never act so…down? I’ve always been the therapist friend, and I’d give advice to everyone. And I have so many friends who are going through so much and I don’t want to be a burden to them too.

I’ve always been on the outside and a bit weird. I’ve lost a lot of friends lately and I’m starting to loose contact with my best friend since we go to different schools. But also because I’m scared to talk to her, we had another friend and she’s changed a lot due to depression. And it’s been hard for all of us, and I promised her id never be like this. I’m not depressed though, I’m just numb. I don’t know what this is.

I just want to be completely happy without this weight on my chest. I don’t want every laugh and smile to be fake, and I don’t want my memories to be tainted. I can’t say I want things to go back to how they used to be because I can’t remember a time I was truly happy. My grades used to be 80-90% and recently I got 27% and 33% and it feels like my life is made up lies now.

Does anyone have any advice on what to do??