Happiness

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Mid april, I had texted him just to start up a light conversation because hadn’t seen him in a while. Actually, the real reason I decided to have a “conversation” was because I wanted to ask him to come with me to my fraternity’s formal. 

Before I could ask him anything though, I had decided that I need to talk to him a little so that it’s not as blunt. So I did. He asked me if I wanted to have dinner with him few days after because he was going to be in town from work.

Perfect, I thought. And I met him.

We had dinner and went to his house for a movie. He kissed me that night. Fireworks. In my mind. There it was, everything fucked over by in my head this dude, once again.

We hung out a few times before I asked him to be my date to this “dinner” …. Why I didn’t tell him straight up what it was, I’m not sure. So essentially, I lied to him. When he found out (at the place) he was a little upset, I could tell. I don’t know why but he was. After that I took him to a friends wedding and it was all good until one day I decided, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t have him hang around me, mess around with me and not be with me, not be mine.

I had “the talk” with him through which I found out, he almost got married to someone else. I was broken. I got over it and even though he didn’t want a relationship, I think I put one foot on the ground and the other was still floating in the air with all the thoughts of him being wonderful.

Somewhere there, I realized this isn’t worth it. I am more than this. I need more than this. I started to distance myself from him. When an opportunity to meet someone else, a ‘potential’ came through, I said yes, I’m single. I met this guy and he was turning out to be quite charming. Before this romance took off the ground, I had alex meet me one day randomly. Kiss me on my lips and asked me about my day. As I was about to leave his car, he told me something. Something I wanted to hear for the longest time. He told me he was ready, ready to be with me, in a relationship, that he couldn’t stop thinking about me when he was away.

I’m not sure if I’m on the same page as you this time around, I told him. He was too late. I had ¼ of the way moved on, added someone else to the equation. 

I let alex slide, away and out of my life. I ignored him, I ditched him and  I wasn’t fair to him. Eventually, that all stopped. He took the hint. This was September.

The next three months were fast, rollercoasters and emotional dramas between the new guy and myself. I saw alex in between, at restaurant, while I was at dinner with this other guy. He tapped me on my shoulder and said hello…this was after I had ignored him recently and we had stopped talking cause I ditched him while he waited for me.

The new guy met my family in January. He didn’t like them. He didn’t like the closest and only people that meant everything to me. He wanted to control me, to move out of state, to have his parents raise our ‘kids’ because he didn’t think I would be a suitable mother. Why would you want to be with someone like that. Why would you want to be with someone LIKE THAT!

I couldn’t do it, so I let him go. I went back to alex, I apologized and I told him that I had moved on and stuff because I didn’t want to be in the middle of not knowing where this was going. I didn’t want to not know what was happening. I didn’t want to be anyone’s someone else. I wanted to be someone’s something important.

He was hurt. He told me he saw me at the restaurant and he wanted to punch everything in sight of him because he was angry and hurt. He was speechless and in shock. I apologized and he kissed me. He liked me.

We started a whirlwind of events that helped get over this…situation we had. He was finishing up his project out of state and he would come every weekend or so and see me. We’d text or call or see each other whenever we could and it was nice. He was moving back home. I couldn’t wait, he couldn’t wait.

It’s been a long time since he’s been back and it’s been quite amazing being with him. His positive attitude and uplifting energy is nothing

short of… life. I wanted this and I waited for this.

He finally asked me if I was his girlfriend, if he was my boyfriend. It’s not the titles, I don’t care, I’m past that, I’m 25. It’s the fact that this is real, this is happening, this is now. I feel like I waited 8 years for him, I ‘dated’ him in between but had no commitment, we fall out of touch so it hurt every time. I tried to be cautious this time but he told me he knows what he wants. He wants to be with me. I like that, no, I love that.

He treated me with respect, not like a checklist, but like a person. He cares, considers me and wants me to be happy with him. He’s cautious about how he acts in a way where he doesn’t want to ruin anything; he tries to make me a better person. And you know what, I love all of that.  

I don’t care if I get any nice ‘things’ or he takes me to any fancy places or what not, I don’t care. It’s the person I’m concerned with. I’ve had many bad experiences, many guys that weren’t the right fit for me and while I don’t want to jump the gun and say this is it, this is pretty damn close.

I’m on cloud 9, literally smiling every single day and thinking about him and being with him and he makes me feel like a natural high. I can go on and on about him. I always have. But I’ll leave that to another day when I don’t feel too emotional writing this because I could cry thinking about how it all came together with him. I could cry.  I’m happy though, so that’s the moral, I’m happy. This is great.