The talk..

 I can’t tell if I’m happy or if I should cry. 

I just came home from a very good day with the boy… 
He texted me asking if I would go to home depot with him to pick up a few things for a project he wants to build. I agreed. 
He picked me up and first we went to get gas, while there his best friend called and he handed me the phone to try to come up with a plan for what we are all doing tonight. He comes from the passenger side window and kisses me while I’m trying to talk to his friend. It was wonderful.. 

After home depot, we went back to his place to wait for his friend to come over, in the garage all dark, he kissed me – passionately. He picked me up and kissed me again and again. I was in heaven. After his friend arrived, they both decided to teach me how to ride a bike. yeah.. I don’t know how to ride a bike. and it was successful, both the boys were helpful and patient! I did very well!! I am happy with how much I learned. 

After that, we went out to sonic to get something small to eat, while the boys ate, I sat in the back seat drinking water. He gave me his drink, we shared that. He gave me his last jalapeno popper and I took a bite, he took a bite, and I finished it. It was the sweetest thing. We came back to his house and played frisbee for a little bit. After his friend departed, he drove me home. 

"Why are you so quiet"
Me: "No reason"
"What’s wrong?"
Me: "Nothing"
"If you’re gonna say nothing then I’ll assume nothing"
Me: "Yep, nothing is wrong" 

I felt myself tense and unable to enjoy. He kissed me and kissed me and I just felt dead. My heart was pounding, I felt it in my chest. I hesitated and kissed him. I hesitated again, it almost came out  of my mouth but then I stopped myself. Finally, I forced myself to say… 

"I have a question for you"
Him: "Ask"
"What are we? What is this?"
Him: (baffled) "I’m not sure, I never really thought about it"
"Well, now I brought it up, so think about it. I don’t need you to tell me to be your gf or bf but I don’t want this to be just a hook up.."
Him: "My last relationship was a year and a half and she met my entire family… I was ready to take the next step with her. Everyone liked her and it was all set. Until she bailed on me. I don’t know what happened but after that for about 6 months, I was numb, didn’t think about her, about anyone else, nothing. People tried hooking me up with others and it didn’t work because I felt no spark. I guess that’s where I’m coming from"
Me: "I’m not trying to rush you into a relationship, I myself got out of a 2 year relationship..but I don’t want this to be a hook up. I was in something where for 2 years I was this guys hook up girl and I failed to realize that til later when I finally broke up with him."
Me: " I don’t wanna do the same thing again"
Him: "Okay.."
Me: "I guess what I’m saying  is, we don’t have to be in a committed relationship but I don’t want it to be like where you saw me and then you saw a dozen other girls. I’m not okay with that"
Him: "Okay fair enough, you should be able to tell  me anything, you shouldn’t hesitate. I’m myself around you, I have fun and you’re easy to talk to"
Me: "All I know is.. I like you. I don’t know what you feel but that’s where I’m at"
Him: "I like you too"
Me: "Good to know, I can’t tell"
Him: "You can’t? How?"
Me: "I mean, when we were together, its great but when we aren’t you don’t talk or show interest. You disappear"
Him: "Yeah… I have this habit, of disappearing..I’m working on it. If there’s anything you don’t like or are confused about, you should tell me."
Me"Yeah we never had this conversation so I don’t know if I freaked you out or whatever"
Him: "Yeah we should’ve had this conversation before.."
Me: "Okay well, I don’t wanna pressure you into anything, I just don’t wanna play games. I’m straight forward and I want you to be that way with me"
Him: "Okay, no games"
Me: "We good?"
Him: "We’re good" He kisses me and kisses me again.. 

so. I think I died a little knowing he would have gotten engaged … that the boy that I’m crazy about felt that way about someone else..
I died a little when I imagined him with her. How could she bail on him? He’s perfect. What could she possibly not like?…

I died a little inside knowing the truth…knowing that he’s confused. That he’s figuring things out…
What was I expecting?.. 

I need to fucking move on. My heart is stuck with him..and I can’t do this anymore. I have the best times with him. I want to be with him for the rest of my life and I’ll be happy and content. He is enough. but he’s not there. I’m not the one for him…

So either I wait and see. Or I somehow convince my heart to let go. I have tears in my eyes right now.. I’m not sure what to think. I don’t know whats happening.. I don’t know what to do.