Hook-ups

I’ve always played it safe. Never drank, never had sex, never put myself in a position I wouldn’t be comfortable in.

I was 21 when I lost my virginity and while I did it, I always knew and thought it was a big deal. It was with just him and no one else. Then I dated someone else, while I started sleeping with him 2 weeks after our relationship, I felt comfortable with this new person enough to do it. That was it; 24 and 2 partners. Not that I want to become a whore or anything but the whole idea of it all was still innocent in my head.

Until the time, I started feeling too confined in my surroundings, too ordinary in my skin and too responsible for being too young. Infact, I had always felt responsible, I never took risks, never did anything "bad" and it left me feeling almost bitter about the life I had lived. I didn’t live it up as I wanted to, I always had some sort of imaginary line I had to stay behind.

Last year, I liked a boy, it wasn’t that I wanted to start a relationship with him but I wanted to flirt and see where it went. It was right after I had gotten out of my year and a half relationship, from boyfriend to boyfriend, I never had the time to just be by myself until now. This new boy I liked, wasn’t the relationship kind – so it was more of a hook up situation. I guess in my head I knew that and I kind of wanted that. It was to unleash this constraint I had within me. I know that sounds bad but I just needed to be a little irresponsible and that was my outlet, apparently. 

For that moment, he treated me right. We went to a party and although I didn’t drink, I danced all night long. Danced like I was drunk and I loved every moment of it. Needless to say, he was by my side all night and that filled in the void I had from breaking up with my bf couple months prior to that. I went home with him. He was cute, smart, charming and while he was a player – he was interested in me. So I tried to have sex with him but due to him being incredibly drunk, well he couldn’t get up. So it ended with a cuddle and me leaving at 4am.

I started drinking this year. It was a shot, then another. I always was in control of what I was doing as to not be drunk or black out. I guess I wanted to blame the alcohol for any actions I’d take because I am portrayed as a responsible adult and nothing else would do justice to that other than "oh she’s drunk" …I was never drunk, just tipsy.

It was unexpected but one of my friends pulled me outside the apartment and kissed me. In those 5 minutes, I started seeing him in a different light. I somehow ended up in his apartment later that night, in his bed, cuddling with him. That was my first time sleeping with someone who wasn’t my boyfriend, that was my third partner. It felt so different, so liberating, so good.

The next time I partied, I was instantly attracted to him, kissing him, taking him to walk with me alone but it never got to sex. Until most recently when I went to another party and he was there, he stopped me from going home and while slow music was playing, took my hand and danced with me with such grace and affection.He held my hand to walk me across the street, kissed my neck, felt me up and we had sex once again.

The problem with this is, now I’m confused and worried that this guy I’m crazy about wants nothing but a hook up. I never thought of this before but now that thought never leaves my head, not for him, not for anyone. Boys just want to hook up and leave me.

I tried to not make it seem like that, I kiss him goodnight, I hold him tight but he seems reluctant to hold my hand. The last time I saw him (my previous entry) he placed his hand in front of me as I sat in the car and when I put mine in his, he playfully held it for a minute & let go. I noticed he doesn’t talk to me when we’re not together as much compared to when I was with him 2 years ago, we used to talk, call every night, skype and fall asleep to each other while online. I’m trying to tell myself that this is a grown up adult relationship, but I can’t stop thinking of how this is just a hook up for him while he’s here.

From the last time I saw him, i saw and felt a change in the way he reacted to me. He told me he "liked my face" and "that’s why I like you" thrown in the mix of conversations. Then he started texting me, just casual ongoing conversations. Told me about a wedding he’s at, sent me a picture of him at the beach reception, asked me about my weekend, commenting on little things.

I feel at ease, I feel like he is starting to think of me more than just a girl he can get into his pants. Atleast, that’s what I’m thinking based off of the last time we saw each other and the couple of days following that. I could be completely off, maybe he’s doing this to secure what he has until he is here.

I don’t know any of this for sure but I guess we’ll wait and see. Until then I vent my anger and confusion here.