A few promises to myself…

A contract for myself in regards to him.  I have made several references to the fact that I will no longer initiate anything between us and I haven’t.  I am very proud of myself.  Sometimes I wonder what you are thinking.  Do you do the same?  Probably not because nothing bothers you.  After talking to you (over IM of course) while in Puerto Rico I realized for the first time you said to me straight out now that things have not changed.

Meaning that you and I are the same, which I knew, but you said that IF we were to be together you would need to know it was real.  “Not encouraged but truly manifested” who talks like that? But anyway I take that to mean me asking you how you feel or whatever else, and you knowing how I feel could be difficult to deal with.  So now I am even further away from where I was.  I haven’t spoken to you since then and that was about a week ago.  Which I would have been fine with, but I found out you were here this weekend and I didn’t even receive a phone call.  Why would you do that? I can understand that is was under some bad circumstances as to why you were here.  But I can’t understand why you wouldn’t call, like I don’t get it. 

It hurts but I mean I have been hurt and I realize that with you right now you are either hurting me, pissing me off, or leading me on.  So maybe this is good I guess.  Since it seems that I am not what you want girlfriend wise. 

But all I know is that I will not call you, IM you, or ask to see you.  I don’t care anymore because I cant.  Caring has put me in the position I am in now, which is not fun or good.  I have laid myself out bare and “raw” (haha yuck anyway) you know everything no secrets here!  And with that you have done nothing, you have done exactly what I didn’t want to happen, I have some how manage to push you away I guess.  You are leaving in a few weeks and I will not have to see you or think about wanting to see you because it cant happen and it wont happen unless you pursue me.  No more chasing you.  I’m tired.

But when I stop and think about it…I haven’t done anything wrong.  I treat you better than anyone I ever have, I love you, I would do anything for you, I would give you anything you needed, I would stop anything and everything for you.  All I wanted was to feel loved and wanted in return.  And I don’t at all I feel like an idiot.  Thank you.  Never again will I open myself up to a guy and give a guy my all.  Cause there is no point, I only hope that if a guy does that for me that I will appreciate it and love him in return.

Last note: All I have to say is you better not forget my birthday!