YOU SUCCEEDED – YOU WON
You never know what is really inside someone. How they feel, what they think, what they want … Who they really are.
All I feel is pain all around me … I thought we had something really special. I let him go because I thought that was best for both of us. Our last night together was distant … more distant than I wanted … tickles brought laughter and then resentment in his tone and he pulled away. I retracted inside myself feeling like I did something wrong and thought he would come to me if he wanted to be close because he pushed me away. He wanted to go home!? I didnt understand – he didnt say why he felt that way. He remained distant and on the other side of the bed. I could not sleep, I laid there wide a wake wondering why am I so had to communicate with. Is there someone else … somewhere he rather be ? The morning came and his distance was even greater. He rather make love to his hand than to make love to me. I knew then that something had been lost …
I thought about our conversation … why is your cell phone plugged in behind the microwave ? So nobody will mess with it he replied… HELLO … I am the only other person in the apartment besides him and I asked who would that be and he said he didnt want the cats to mess with it… YEAH RIGHT! I mentioned why is he so secretive about his phone and he flew off the handle … went over to my computer that was turned on and turned it off to show me you have to have a password to access it and pointed his finger at me at being secretive. NOW THE FOCUS WAS ON ME AND NOT HIM OR HIS PRIVATE CELLPHONE. Trying to reach him to talk was unsuccessful and he went outside with his cell phone – came back in like nothing happened.
I suspect his desire to guard his cellphone is because he had been contacting and being contacted by other females. He may not have internet connection at home but the time he spends at work makes up for it. There isnt anything he cant access. Craigs List "I dont want to spend another Thursday night alone", Yahoo "outta here – yesssss!!!!- call me and I' ill let you know more ;-)", Then "Traveling". "In a Meeting"
Here I sit reading and wondering where he is going and who he is with… my heart aches, I know I released him but I never really had him … he consealed his activities from me…he continued his yahoo, aim activities, his obsession with bi-curious … his secret cell phone … his lack of interest in going to counseling to make us stronger and gain more knowledge in the areas we have conflicts in… He never would communicate with me but talk AT me and not engage in a take and give conversation… I was the wrong one always … I guess I understand why this was … as an abused child he always saw himself as the victim the one that was hurt and violated and rightfully so … and he continues through life with that philosophy … and one that hurts those who LOVE him so much… I Love you so much and I dont know how Im going to get through this but I had to walk away for you dont see me … maybe you never really loved me. Maybe I was just a warm body to cuddle up with to share time with during those lonely times. I would like to think I was more but Im sad to say you went to willingly and found yourself to anxious to find my replacement. I’m sure those notes on your messenger were there for my benefit to hurt me and rub it in … you succeeded … you won … GAME OVER!