The Reports Came Back

Sitting and waiting for the judge to hand down the recommendations regarding MY baby.  To decide what future I will or will not have with him but it wasnt that way at all … Austin already handed down the verdict … one very painful one that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. 

Do you realize what vicious game you are playing ?  When your son, your own child doesnt care if you live or die.  If you are in his world or not … what does that say about me.  What kind of exsistence can I have knowing this.  I feel enormous pain a constant morning an empty feeling a VOID … only memories left.

I did the best I would to hold back the pain and tears …  I tried not to create a emotional scene.  It was apparent how distraught I was hearing that my baby had some real major emotional issues that needed to be delt with.  I want to be there for him … I want to help him through this.  The law guardian expressed to the court how Austins reactions are unwarrented due that there has not been any abuse in his life.

I feel so alone … the last comment I heard from someone who is suppose to love me was … "He is not your son, let it go."  What kind of person tells you that, knowing the deep emotional feelings you have for your child.  How can a mother let go EVER … I cannot … my life is over … I will mourn the death of our relationship for eternity.  I am an ugly terrible person who doesnt want to be here anymore.  There is NO purpose for me.

I struggle through the relationships I have … no future … no purpose …