LOoking Back and into the Future
Looking back on my life … my choices and my actions brings an ache to my heart and a tears to my eyes …
I moved to quick … I should have had more reguard for others feelings … I was a women out of control … trying to find myself at everyones expense … I AM SOOOO SORRY for ALL that I hurt.
I wish I could go back do it all over again with the knowledge that I have gained.
My life seems to be at a calmer pace now . . . I guess that is why I am able to reflect back.
I still feel a great amount of uncertainity about my future. . .
I dont think I am where I am suppose to be and yet I dont know where I am suppose to be or even if I am suppose to be with anyone.
We have moved in with eachother and I find myself wondering if that was something that we should have waited on. I dont know where I fit into your life or even if we have a future… maybe we only have the moment. We have been through so much together… I question often how important I am to you … is your love conditional …
We dont do much together and sometimes we sit in the same room and dont even talk …
I dont feel like I am a part of your life, but you are a definate part of mine … It has been 16 months and I still feel like the "other women". I think I will always feel that way. You have a family that I am not a part of … I have a family that you ARE a part of. The sad thing is I probably will never share that part of your life with you. That devides us. You make plans to spend time with your children and I dont find out till hours before. I feel am not ever a consideration I am just a convenience … I am for the moment not for the future. Maybe I ask for too much !? I feel so many things and I wonder about so many things and I dont know how to continue…
Why do you walk so far a head of me … I know you were in a hurry … but a few slower steps wasnt going to change anything.
I try to be there for you all the time to help you sort through your thoughts and I feel like Im going through my hell by myself. . . alone 
I try to talk to you and yet I dont feel like you are listening. I feel like if I drown you will not be there to revive me. . .
When things get to the point that we are not speaking to eachother .. you always try to solve it in other ways than talking to me. Nothing changes it just gets pushed a side.
I feel so sad … so alone … I cant express my feelings to you because you get angrey with me and tell me that is not how it is … then why do I find myself feeling these feelings if its not like that .