Two apps done

So I got the job application taken care of, and then looked in other places for jobs. I found another job through a job link that was emailed to me, and applied there. It’s the same pay, full time with weekends off, just a different establishment. This is like a temp agency or something handling it, so I am not exactly sure where this place is. I just know it’s a property management receptionist position. This one requires associate, I’m months away from finishing and getting my degree, so yay. I hope to hear back from one or both, and that the property management one is not too far from home. I hope and pray this will work out for me, I need this to work. I’m tired of trying and failing. I need to move on with my life, just me myself and I. Another thing I have considered is working overnight (it would ensure I get to and from work without his help) and maybe grab a part time job (on certain days) to compliment it. Either way, I will find my way out. I would prefer NOT to work overnight, or still have to work two jobs, so I really hope one of these jobs I’ve just applied for comes through for me. 

As for this situation from S, he’s now resorted to him moping around. I ask if he’s ok, he says “I’m alright” that’s all I get from him anymore. It seems he’s miserable, but he’s the one who won’t break it off. As far as I am concerned it already is. He’s the one who caused the relationship to be where it is. I tried, but he didn’t. I don’t even have the relationship status on my FB page anymore. I know he’s unhappy, but he’s also stubborn as hell. I also know I don’t give a fuck. He has shown me time and time again that he certainly does not give a fuck about me OR my needs. I’m pretty much on my own, so I may as well be alone. I’ve already started organizing what I owe and what I can pay as well as when all the things I’m currently paying for are due. It’ll help me budget better. Now S doesn’t really talk to me much, dead conversation here and there. Most times he’s just playing or texting on his phone acting like I don’t exist. It hurts my feelings, but I just don’t say anything or react anymore. I just sit and silently pray for hours until I fall asleep. He didn’t say much to me after picking up from work, I ate dinner and went to bed. He stayed on his side of the bed. And lately he has stopped coming by me to kiss my bye before he heads to work. He just goes. He barely says I love you anymore, it seems he’s given up. Hmmm

Well I beat him to that. I don’t have anymore fight left in me to try. I don’t care as much anymore. I still have care in my heart, but the effort to try is gone from me. He doesn’t think he is at fault for any of my actions. To him, me not wanting to have sex means I’m just not attracted, not the fact that he’s put me down for years, lied to and on me for years, shown me that my thoughts, feelings and emotions don’t matter. A man that can sleep knowing his woman is hurting is no man. All of that piled up, old memories of past arguments and actions. That shit STILL hurts and over time it’s affected my motivation to do anything. I have tried to tell him how depressed I am, but he doesn’t care. I am supposed to push past the hurt to fulfill HIS needs. I’m in debt because he took advantage of my kindness. I’m broken because he kept stomping on my heart. I hurt every day, and knowing he does not care about any of that hurts even more. How am I going to feel aroused when I know all you want is sex and my financial help? How am I going to feel aroused when he’s taken all the fun out of sex, demands it more, has almost no foreplay, and has no idea how to be intimate outside of sex. No affection whatsoever He can treat me like shit, and know i feel like shit and STILL expect sex.

We don’t even future plan anymore, not that I want to, but still. He snaps at me, any texts I get are accusations or criticism. I ignore them anymore. He’s short with me, is condescending, just comes at me like I annoy him. I have done nothing. I have told him I have a hard time getting aroused, but he can’t understand because he lets his dick do the talking. I know I haven’t done anything to deserve this, and if he had not treated me so bad for so long, the sex would still be a thing and we would have moved forward by now. He’s had since December of 2015 to marry me, or even get engaged. He’s waiting on me to “be better” so he can continue to use me for my financial help while NEVER asking his son for extra. 

So all of this is reason and motivation enough for me to leave, and all I need is for that door to open and I can run my ass through it. I have had ENOUGH of him, his son, and this whole damn situation. NEVER AGAIN! I need to be alone, and I can’t be happy or at peace living here. SO I AM OUT. God has to help me, I need him to step in. I can apply, I just need that opportunity to open. I need to heal from this, and I have to do this alone. I can’t move home, i won’t get to do that living with mom and sis. I just want to be alone for a long ass time. I can’t wait for the relief that will come from being in MY home and away from this daily pain I feel.