Self Esteem & Insecurities

*Hello:) I’ve never wrote a journal about me before so this is my first. If you stay until the end, thank you for hearing this out!* Starting at a young age I became pretty insecure about almost everything. It was hard and still is to overcome insecurities. I’ve always had very noticeable flaws like my skin, my weight, etc. even though I had nothing wrong with my weight to begin with. In middle school two of my friends were scaled for a ride that stood in the middle of the mall that only carried a certain weight of two people. Their weight was scaled to 99 pounds to 100. As for my friend who was 100 pounds, complained for being ‘fat’.

I scaled myself after the both of them to be 110 at the time. I told them that I would just sit on the bench and wait for them to get off thinking I would take half of the rides weight limit which was set to about near 160 to 210 pounds. I was always seen to be an outcast when I was anywhere with family members and I was always ‘compared’ to my older sister whos older by 2 years.

Whenever we were seen together in a family event or anything they would always and only compliment my sister. Whenever I was with a relative they’d tell my mom, ”she’s so pretty” out of no where. To me, what words came out of anyone’s mouth mattered to me a lot. But at school I was always complimented and I couldn’t accept the comments cause I came to think I wasn’t worthy of anything. I scrolled through Instagram influenced by people’s way of clothing, makeup, hairstyle, and more and I wanted to be apart of this ‘trend’ just to follow what beauty standards were at that time.

I was fat shamed more than once and tried to come up with a dieting plan because of an idol I looked up to but it wasn’t continued. A lot has happened during the time being and I’ve completely lost myself. I gained a lot more weight than before and I started to fail school because I haven’t had much energy for a while.

I have many faults and I have many fears, but I am going to embrace myself as hard as I can, and I’m starting to love myself, little by little. Please know that you are loved for who you are somewhere in the world,,,

-“Maybe I made a mistake yesterday, but yesterday’s me is still me. I am who I am today, with all my faults. Tomorrow I might be a tiny bit wiser, and that’s me, too. These faults and mistakes are what I am, making up the brightest stars in the constellation of my life. I have come to love myself for who I was, who I am, and who I hope to become.”-xxxxxxx