Do I look a little Green?

Green with envy? Not exactly envy, but a tinge of jealousy. Two nights ago, Mike hung out with his new found boyfriend. I let them have the living room- I sat in my room, with the Playstation, watching the Beatles anthology. When I woke up to shower for work, I noticed that Mike’s boyfriend (who is also Mike… so we will just refer to him as “wedge”, as in what he is putting between my friendship with Mike) I noticed that Wedge’s stuff was still here… he spent the night.
Now, I am NO one to deny sex. Although, I am going on 7 months no sex, so maybe my mind has changed. And true, he’s known Wedge for years online, but they have only been dating like a WEEK! But, he can do whatever he wants.
So, I was getting ready for work, and going to warm up my car, and everything was jolly, until I saw Mike… and I didn’t want to talk to him, be near him, joke with him, hug him… nothing. I just felt awkward. And, he knows… when I am upset, I do two things: Clean, and write. And… well, my room is spotless.
Yesterday at work, I avoided Mike, was actually cold toward him, and I have no reason to be. I blamed it on being crabby. I found things to do where I wasn’t near him.
It was the end of his shift, and he usually drives my car home and picks me up when I am done. I go to hand him the keys, “Oh, Roxy is going to drive me home. I’m too tired to come pick you up later, sorry.” He didn’t get much sleep last night with Wedge here.
So, I worked, got done, and called home to see if anyone needed anything. Matt picked up, “Hey Matt, is Mike there?” “Yeah, but he’s in his room with Wedge.” This… pissed me off. If you want to spend time with your boyfriend and not pick me up from work, TELL ME. Don’t lie and say you are tired.
As I said, my room was spotless, so I came home, barely said hi to him, and went to my room to write. I wrote him a four page later as scattered as autumn leaves after a windstorm. It basically said that I had thought so much at work about why I was so angry with him.
It boiled down to this: I feel like I am setting myself up to be replaced. I told him that I was happy he had a boyfriend, but he has to realize that he came into my life when I was down the most and for three years, he made me feel I didn’t need a boyfriend because I had a guy who loved me for who I was, and not what I could give him. But, I guess this would have happened eventually. I mean, who expect a gay man and straight woman to be all each other needs?
I told him that for the first time in a year and a half, I didn’t want to come home to him. I actually started to think, “Maybe in June, we won’t resign the lease, and he can move to Florida.” “Maybe it’s time I faced things on my own.” And I have NEVER thought that.
I told him that maybe we should avoid each other for a while because I was such an emotional basket case, that I didn’t want to say things I would regret later. I said that maybe there is no such thing as a best friend and soul mate. I said that it was tough to come home the past two nights when both my roommates have someone, and all I have is a stuffed bunny and a handful of movies I’ve watched a dozen times a piece. I told him that after spending almost every day with someone for three years, and then being replaced by someone who will make out with you two nights in a row on a weekend kind of hurt. I feel like I am back where I was when Brian and I first broke up…
I am back to having to re-tread my way through a list of friends I barely talk to so I can have something to do. It’s my fault though. When I find a good friend, a best friend, I put them on a pedestal and make them the center of my world. Well, the idol that was sitting on that pedestal will have to be replaced.
I don’t know if I want a boyfriend even. Maybe… I just really need to be alone, to feel what alone feels like. I haven’t felt alone in over five years… it might be good for me.
Ugh- I hate drama. So, I may not be jealous, I may just be putting up the guard so this one doesnt’ hurt as bad as the last one. Those battle wounds were hard enough to heal. This one may take longer.