Autofantastic

I can’t even begin to describe the mass of mixed feelings that I get these days. I don’t really think I’m so much “coping” with it as much as “not getting a choice.”

I somehow have managed to not fuck things up for myself and get fired yet, which is nice because this is unquestionably over twice as good as the next best job I ever had. It feels like it’s only a matter of time though before I do something unforgivable. I hate mistakes, I wish I never made them. I wish I was part computer.

I am seriously lonely as fuck (though I believe I’m starting to numb up some), and am up to a string of six girls in a row who’ve managed to be unreliable in either calling me or answering their phone. I can come to no other conclusion than it’s me, somehow, someway.

Despite the setbacks, I manage to blunder on, asking for numbers before I really even think about how the last 6 ended.

Speaking of ending, an era came to a close. The last remaining flicker of its fire is officially vanished. I took a trip home, and it killed me inside. I felt dumb for fooling myself into thinking I meant anything to about 3/4 of my friends. The others, they care… but only so much. It’s odd for me, because I’ve never really lost a deep attachment without an active reason. And it really felt like 2 years had let me just fade away to so many people. The girl I’ve been hopelessly deeply attached to (whatever you want to call it, I don’t care anymore) for the past 7 years of my life let me know that she would be breaking her plans to come see me this summer. I was an idiot for getting my hopes up; no one visits. There’s another who’s promised me a day together soon, and I fully expect to just not hear from her about it. This is exactly what I dreaded for so long, years and years, and even though I knew it was coming and thought I was ok with it all, it still stung a lot more, seeing it come into a reality. I’d give an analogy but I think you get the idea.

So this is a slow release. There’s no one and nothing left for me where I came from. I love them so much. It breaks my heart.

Things aren’t exactly strong on the Vegas front either. I’m pretty sure Tina, the girl from here, will never call me again. My roomate Andy woke up in jail arrested for drunk driving a few days after gambling away both our rents. That was over a month ago, and he still owes me like a grand and a half. It’s alright though, I make a killing, and I’ve been working six days a week since May. I wish having money did a better job of making up for not having friends.

I used to dream of escaping with someone, but now, I’m where I want to be. I just don’t have anyone with me.

I think I should probably see a doctor, but I know I’m not going to. I feel sick to my stomach nearly every minute I’m awake.

I don’t know who I am anymore. I think I might be really fucked up, but I don’t know how to tell. I function better than most so it seems like I don’t need help, but the things I do and think can’t be normal. But maybe everyone does and thinks those things, I don’t know, it’s not really something you ask.

I feel like I’m going crazy. Everything I feel is always mixed and two-sided and confusing. I don’t think I can explain what I mean. I just want what I’ve always wanted: peace.

I’m beginning to believe that I won’t find it until I’m not alive to want it. But I hope, I still hope.