Dreaming I’m alive
I have to admit, I feel like I owe this, and that should be unacceptable. Truth is, I don’t really care. I’m in too much of a let them fall mentality to fight it, and given my crashed torrents, opportunity has risen. Besides, it’s not like I don’t want to.
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I’m still completely unemployed. In some ways, I’m ashamed of this, because it’s fucking pathetic, but also I seem not to really care. I think everything is going to fall apart pretty soon, and I think it’s likely I’ll be on my own.
I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be touched. It’s only a concern in the moments right after I wake up, before I mentally muscle my way through it under a premise of rejecting weakness. In my dreams now, I can’t escape it. It’s made me hate dreaming again. And sleeping. Useless.
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They’ve started construction on a building two lots north of my window that looks to ruin my view of the city. I knew it was going to be built all along, but I thought I had more time. It’s really depressing, I can’t tell you how much I loved looking out my window at the strip glowing in the not-so-far distance.
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Andy’s dad stayed with us for about a week and a half. It was a week and a half too long. I was talking to Andy’s little brother, Chris, on the topic:
Me: your dad’s incompetency literally baffles me, I cannot comprehend that he has thoughts.
Me: no person with thoughts could feasibly exhibit his behavior
Me: I think I could write my PhD on him
Chris: Doctoral Thesis the mysteries of David McClure
Me: him living is like the bumblebee being able to fly
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It’s funny to me how I lied to everyone when I was moving out here to just work and live when I kept telling them “It’s not my final aspiration.” I suppose a lot of it was that I cared what they thought, but also it’s difficult to explain to someone what it’s like to not have any dreams or desires or wants. Also, it keeps me from having to bother with them worrying. There’s a lot of focus on “amounting to something,” especially in the rich suburbs I came from, but after a while, that just wasn’t something I cared about. It’s pointless, reasonless ambition. I’d looked at people who’re in their 40s and still working shit jobs, and I knew most of them were pissed off that they still had to do that, but there were some that didn’t seem to mind. I think I’m not going to be any happier in any education-derived job.
I imagine there’s many that can’t stand to see the “wasted opportunity” that I am. Which, really, is 100% true. But I don’t care.
I told someone recently, “I amaze myself with my own apathy. I’m trying to not-care myself to death, but I don’t care enough to try hard enough.”
Normally here I’d say snap out of it and go back to school. I too, have been told that and know it’s not as easy as it sounds. Vegas is the land of opportunity if you’ve got big jugs or are a trani. Drag bar, anyone?
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ryn: The jacketed-cigarette-man story never happened…^_^ it was a fiction piece. ^_^
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I love your last line. It’s so fitting, even though no one should feel that way. But hey, I like the way you worded it.
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Do you live close to the Air Force base? My friend does… and if that’s the case we probably drove past where you live at some point. ANYHOW. RYN: The one show I went to that was non-smoking was one of the best shows I have ever seen. Honest to goodness. And I think it’s the only show I’ve been to that was non-smoking… it sucks feeling sick after a show. 🙁
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RYN: Don’t worry. A LONG entry is coming up. Probably tomorrow.
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You get notes fast. I thought I was going to be the first. Now I’ve lost the will to n–
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So, I actually caught the first draft, but it was before I went to take a shower and I kind of had a loose deadline for being totally clean by and was pushing the wiggle room out of it hard core and so I didn’t note. But it’s not because I don’t dig you. I actually picked you over some of my other favorites to read in my fleeting moments before bathing. So, I’ve seen both. Like both.
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I think my favorite part of the second incarnation is the visual demonstration of the view before and after the completed building. When I get in need of human contact, I make my mom hug me. Which doesn’t really offer you a viable solution, I’m realizing. And, as for the rest, you’ll figure it out and land on your feet, even in spite of the apathy.
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Also, I feel like I should know everything you’re going to say before you say it, too. But there really is no matching your genius presentation.
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i think i understand the apathy for the future thing. i kind of feel like that when people ask me what i want to do when i graduate. i just always say “not be broke”. i’ve never had a dream job…work is work, right? i just have this indistinct desire for life to be interesting. (ryn) somehow i knew you would say something like that. lately i feel rather detached from my life.
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RYN: Yes, I suppose I just can’t hear it since a southern accent doesn’t exactly stand out around here. And, wait, where exactly did you live in the south? We might be cousins!
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howdy me
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Well I don’t really know what to express here, except that you have to want something before you can make anything happen. And that, well, life should be better spent. You’ve an awful lot of potential. Put it towards something. And now I’ll get down off my high horse. It was good to hear from you, and did you see, Did You See?! How prompt was my reply! xx
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Oh and yes, it’s entirely unacceptable. This shouldn’t be an obligation. xx
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And, (ryn) you’re distaste for the body leads me to believe that you should refrain from pursuing a career in the medical field. Maybe something with animals? Do you like animals? Or maybe law school. I support you going to law school. How is law school working out, then? xx
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(ryn) You do have to give if you wanna receive.
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There’s a hell of fucking difference between “pointless, reasonless ambition” and ending up living rough. Get a bloody job.
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i’m glad you were born.
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happy birthday!
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Well it looks like everyone has said everything that there is to be said. So I’ll say this: Hey, how ya doing? It’s perfectly normal to not have any ambitions or aspirations for the future. At this point, neither do I. At least you’re not alone. If it honestly doesn’t bother you then don’t worry about it. As long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters. I support you in whatever you decide.
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where’s nick?
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You don’t love me anymore… If I had the ability to feel and transmit emotions, I’m pretty sure I’d be sad right now. Where’d ya run off to?
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Okay, well figuratively, you don’t love me anymore. We used to have regular conversation on here… sure, neither of us really post anymore, but that shouldn’t stop the conversation. I’ll just have to tell you about the going-on’s in my life in another way. Deal?
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Hope you’re alright mate.
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Wow you’re in an incredibly complex catch 22 type of situation here, So you care enough to write this down, but enough to care about the fact that you care enough that you write it down. You’ve completely mastered the art of apathy and that’s pretty impressive but do you think if you knew caring would fix your problems- you’d try? Because i have a feeling if you cared about not caring- …
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you would realise how easy it is to care then you’d be able to apply it to other things. I know you say you dont care- but apathy cant always prevail because you cared enough to share it with countless people who read your diary…but i guess you dont really want to hear pop physcology from a stupid 17 year old…You probably dont want to hear it but life is not a dress rehearsal, it’s one shot xx
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One of my favorite quotes. “The problem with today’s youth is that they’re too apathetic, but I just don’t care.” Sadly a large amount of this quote’s genious is lost when I have to explaine the definition of “apathetic” to the majority I recite it to.
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