Still here

 Yeah, I’m still here.

Just blah.  

Nothing really exciting going on.

I’m reading entries,but having trouble finding more energy.

Just depressed I guess.

Not real happy with life.

I’m slightly higher on the happiness loop than I was recently, but still just, eh.  I’m not like depressed, depressed, just more like not happy.  Kinda just under neutral on the happiness scale.

And I think I’ve as much turned the sadness into anger as much as anything.  And I tend to bury most of it, so it only really sticks it’s head and claws out when it gets poked more.

I’m sure I’ll be back with better entries soon.  Usually it seems I finally get around to writing an entry having a pity party for myself, and then I end up feeling better thereafter.

At the moment?

Just feeling disconnected.  Feels like I get negative reinforcement whenever I try what little bits I do.  And I miss meaningful connections.  Not that I’ve ever had a lot, nor do I necessarily want a lot.  But I want a few I think.  And I’ve got so little hope of anyone I even want to try to connect with.

Last time I was happy?  Sledding with family.  I’ll be lucky if that happens again in another year.  I really need to find someone to go sledding, tubing, skiing or something.  Though any of that will be done shortly even if I do find someone.  I do have vague thoughts of one person who was a year or two after me in school, and I see facebook posts from, but I really know very little about him these days.  But I have given some thought to seeing if he might be interested in doing something sometime.

I have thoughts of putting something like "Who wants to go tubing?" on Facebook, but I don’t for fear that the responders would be a couple of the people I don’t really want to go with.  And I can say about 95% certainty that no one would respond as actually willing to go anyway.

I have thoughts of asking uncle if he wants to go sledding, but he’s busier with farm stuff, more importantly the hill is over at the farm where he is and I don’t know about condtions or whatever, so I feel like he should be asking me, not vice-versa.  And it feels weird if it’s just the two of us.  Trying to get a cousin involved would be that much more difficult in terms of availability.  I dunno if it’s just something no one else thinks of, or if they just go and never clue me in.  DUnno.

Hard to find something to look forward to.

The last few weeks have been fairly shite-y as far as calorie burning.  Pretty much as expected.  My emotions have big holds on me.  I’ve been eating a bunch of crap, and I’ve hardly done any exercise.  I was hoping I’d get better this week while Doc is on vacation so I’m working from home.  Well, I’ve succeeded in getting on the elliptical as soon as Sara is gone.  As for food, that thought kind died around mid-late morning yesterday.

We’ll see.  Hopefully I can finish up my hours tomorrow and feel a bit more free.  Though the temps are going back down again.  But it looks like it should be semi-sunny and close to freezing.  I need to get outside before too long and take Shadow for a walk.  Having a bit of trouble finding that motivation.  Though a lot of that is the annoyance of our location.  Out in the country, so not a ton of cars which is good, but the least populated/traveled road is dirt and at the moment that means mud.  The paved roads are at least less muddy, but definitely more cars and hills.  It would be nice if we had nice sidewalks and better yet parks/walking paths without having to spend 45 minutes driving round trip.

Dunno.  I’m just an odd one.