Nate and I

I don’t think I could cope without you. We haven’t known each other long but you already mean so much to me. It’s insane, I barely know anything about you and yet I trust your opinion so much. I don’t want you to think that I meant for things to be like this it’s just… Well, it’s just me isn’t it? It’s just the way I am – every time I get close to someone I end up pushing them away. I always say something or do something that makes them hate me. I don’t mean to… I don’t even notice that I do it most of them time… maybe I’m making too big a deal of this. You seemed pissed off with me, and you have every reason to be, but perhaps it will have all blown over by tomorrow. Maybe it won’t mean so much to either of us then, it’ll be water under the bridge, you know?

But the last time this happened… my god, the last time something like this happened, I convinced myself that it would sort itself out soon, that she’d get over it and everything would go back to normal. It never did, we still don’t talk. I see her every now and then, but I don’t talk to her, often I don’t even acknowledge that she’s there. We used to have shared friends, people that I really cared about, almost as much as I cared about her with some of them, but I don’t really talk to them either any more. Occasionally I’ll smile at them and ask how they are, but it’s not the same. We used to have in depth conversations about our feelings, and I trusted her and I think that she trusted me… You know what the worst thing is? I still don’t know what I did wrong. She says that I humiliated her in front of her friends, and that I treated her like shit but, I don’t remember it. I remember feeling uncomfortable around her and being moody but did I really treat her that badly? Surely no worse than she treated me?

The way I see it, we were both in the wrong (maybe me slightly more so), but I was unable to talk to anyone about it and she was. She was able to tell them her point of view and I could not, or if I could then I did not. And now? And now I don’t know what to do. Forget about her? Move on? Learn from my experiences? I try to, and I did apologise (be it in an inappropriate way) but I still feel guilty every time I see her. I did change, yes, but in the long run I think it was for the better. And her? She changed too. As far as I’m aware, she’s still crash dieting and drinking excessively. She’s not happy, but I am. I am generally a happy person. I know my failings, or most of them any way, and I think that’s why I over reacted. It’s like… Don’t confront me with my failures, I have not forgotten them. I’m not used to people telling me what I’m doing wrong, and I think I would’ve found it easier if we’d gone about it in a different way. But what’s done is done. I can accept when I’m in the wrong (I’ve had a lot of practise at it), and well, this whole thing is sounding very emo right now, for which I apologise, but I want you to know that from now on, if someone has upset me, I’ll do my best to talk to them about it (Or at least, not moan about them to other people if I have no intention of confronting them).

I have spent years trying to become a happier person, which I think I’ve achieved. I am trying to become a better person. I don’t think it’s just because I want people to like me, I think I’d like myself better too, and I think that’s what’s really important right now. I’m never going to be able to make every single person like me, or make everyone else happy. I can settle for liking myself, which I sort of do at the moment but… when I talk about being pissed off with people, I well… I’m never as pissed off with them as I am with myself. I wind myself up. I say stuff and think "what the fuck did I just say? Why the hell did I say that?" or I’ll do something and I’ll be kicking myself for it afterwards. I’m getting better though, it used to be that every time I ate, I’d be internally screaming at myself. It’s strange, it feels as though I have to talk about my past, but I feel so uncomfortable saying it. I’m scared of what people will think, of whether I can trust them not to judge me harshly. It’s strange, I’m used to no one noticing my scars. They’re not something that I display, but I do honestly forget about them – they’re such a non-issue now. The ones on my arms, I’ve had them for years and they haven’t changed. They’re just as visible now as they were then. I know that they’re probably not going to get any better, so I have no problems in showing my arms. I figure, if I’m not ok with it now, then when will I be? No one sees them. Like I said, strange. People that I’d known months had never seen them, not because they’re not on show, but because, i don’t know, they don’t generally go around looking at people’s arms to see if they have a history of self harm? They didn’t see the scars until I told them that they were there, and then most are shocked. They didn’t suspect me as the type. Well, since I got here, I’ve told you and no one else – the only other people that know are those who I knew when I suffered from depression.

Since I got here, two people have pointed out my scars. It freaks me out. I don’t know how to react, but I tend to blush and avoid the question. Is that wrong? Should I tell anyone who asks? I tried that once, it certainly didn’t make things any better. Would I do it again? No, I would not. It’s not that i disklike people knowing (to be honest, I don’t know how I feel about that at all), it’s more that… well, I don’t know, people just ask questions or they assume other things about me, or they’re sympathetic or mean or… or there’s no reaction at all. And if I’m really honest, is that maybe the worst reaction at all? So no, I don’t tell people often. Self harm is excluded from the six month rule. Self harm should never be spoken about. Do I mean that? I mean, usually I say, six months after something has finished happening, I can talk about it. I don’t know. I just don’t like the way other people think sometimes. No, that’s not right. I mean that I don’t like not knowing how other people think.

That’s it.

That’s what I’m trying to say. Or maybe what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to piss you off. I hope that this doesn’t affect things between us. I don’t want things to be bad between us. And yes, you were right. Of course you were. And I’m sorry I had to put you through listening to all this, you can forget about it if you want. It doesn’t really matter.

-x-