Free My Way

On the surface, things are better for me now then they have ever been: I have a job, I’ve stopped smoking, I’m almost definitely starting college in september, stopped cutting and not currently crash dieting…

So why do I feel so shit?

I have no social life, I feel completely alone. I mean, when I was with my friends I felt pretty lonely anyway, but at least then I knew I was liked, I was wanted. I feel so useless right now, like no one would care if I vanished. And it’s so much harder to complain because things could be so good. It’s my own fault that they’re not, I have no one else to blame.

I just need to get a grip and get out there, but I’m so scared of being rejected, and the longer I wait, the harder it gets.

I’ve been having panic attacks whenever I go into town alone, and pulling my hair out.

Ok, that’s it. That’s my current vice. Gave up cutting and started dieting. Stopped dieting and started taking drugs. Quit taking drugs and now I’m pulling my hair out. I have a small bald patch behind my ear. And what for? It doesn’t make it better, nothing changes… it just leaves me feeling self concious about some one noticing – which they don’t.

I just… I just wish I knew what to do next. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen, I was just oblivious to how the people around me were feeling.

So, is this a punishment that I should take on the chin?
Or is it a test to see if I can pick myself back up after falling?

Or, maybe both.

-x-