Somewhere In Between

My sisters rat, Whiskers, died the say before yesterday. She’d been ill for a while then at the end of last week, her legs gave out. We think she broke her foot the night before she died. Old age is a bitch, especially when "old" is 2.

Don’t know if I wrote this in my last entry: my mum phoned up the college, I’ve got onto the Drama and Philosophy courses, and next Tuesday I’m going to meet the Textiles woman, so this week I’m putting together a portfolio just of my art and textiles work. Still working on the photography thing. Might not be able to do it, but I would really like to.

Really tired.

Still sort of pissed about the Sophie thing, I get the feeling she might have chucked out the top I made her for her birthday, and I need it back to take photos for my portfolio. When I asked if I could go round and take a few photos, she just said that she’d have to make sure it’s not in the wash. Right. Seems like a fairly odd reply to me, but whatever. Maybe this sounds like a selfish reason to want to be friends. It’s not like that. I’d want to be friends with her, regardless of whether I needed photos or not, she’s someone I care a lot about, but I understand that right now closeness between us is not possible, and I just wish she’d have the decency to be civil.

Maybe I’m taking this the wrong way. I know she has a lot of personal things to be thinking of right now, but so do all of us. I’ve apologised countless times for my part in what’s happened, to the point that I’ve fallen just short of begging on hands and knees for her forgiveness, but as I see it now, the ball’s in her court. It seems she’s been calling the shots on this whole thing, and she hasn’t come close to apologising once for how she’s made me feel.

This whole thing pisses me off, really. It just feels so… primary school. Next thing you know we’ll be telling Whitney to tell Courtney to tell Beth to tell Sophie that I do not apologise and hope she rots in hell. Seriously, this is where this is going now. In year six we stopped talking for several months, and when she and Sara decided we could be friends again (for it was with Sara I originally fell out with), I had to agree to "rules of our friendship" or some such bullshit. In year 8 we fell out again, though it was not directly us, again, it was an arguement between myself and Gabie that lead to me not talking to anyone for about a month, attempting suicide and screaming at Abby in our English class and showing her my arms. Either before or after that, I broke my collarbone and I was shortly after abandoned, for a reason I still don’t fully comprehend. Might have been something about being too dependant on them… what with not being able to write, and all.

I left school in year nine. I haven’t fallen out with her since then. Until now, anyway. The thing is, when we get on, she’s the best friend I’ve ever had, and the closest I’ve ever been to anyone. I feel/felt like I can tell her anything, and she won’t judge me. And likewise, I think she can/could tell me anything, and there’s no way I’d ever tell her she was a bad person or crazy or needed "help", like so many have said to both of us. It’s just so nice between us, and I don’t want to lose that. Well, too late now, I guess.

I know this will probably blow over like all the other times, but I don’t know what to do next. Do I sit it out and risk just drifting away from her, or do I continue to apologise and risk alienating myself from her? I don’t know. I just don’t want to lose her for good.

-x-