Shoot the Future in the foot

Mentioned a couple days ago that have been looking for an evening dress for singing. Making me feel like shit, it really is. Dresses are made for people that are either small on the top and small on the bottom, or large on the top and large on the bottom. Means that everything looks shit on me (practically flat chested but "child baring" hips). Can’t say that this has improved my current, already miserable outlook on things.

This has not been helped along by the fact that I was shopping with my mum, and every dress I tried on stopped around the knee area. The first dress I tried on, my mum noticed the cuts, obviously, and… I don’t know. She asked if I was unhappy and stuff. The thing is I’m not unhappy. Am i? I’m happier then I could be, happier then I have been.

I suppose that’s what really confuses me; I am so much better then I was, but I still feel like shit. I’m still hitting the self destruct button even though the driving force seems to have gone. Maybe it’s just become such a habit that I’m continuing even though I don’t need to. I don’t think that’s the reason, I do still need to do it, sometimes. Maybe I got rid of the wrong thing. I don’t know.

I must sound really… distant… in this entry, I guess I feel it. I’m writing down what has happened, all the facts, but none of the emotion. I feel scared of showing emotion, to tell the truth, being too happy means you have to give a reason, being too sad means… I don’t know… you’re an emo or something.

It’s like you can’t just be unhappy for no reason, no one really gets it. Or they do, but they don’t want to show that they get it in case someone else doesn’t get it. I’ve spoken to people about this, everyone’s too afraid to just be unhappy, or rather to show that they’re unhappy, in case someone else think’s it’s weird or the person has no reason and they’re an emo and such. It’s stupid, especially as we all think about this the same way, but no one’s making any effort to change.

I don’t know where this is going any more. I’m just really mixed up and confused, and I guess I was trying to put down that confusing into words, but it didn’t quite work, I don’t think. Anyway, my mum has given me some cream for my scars, and I have singing thing tonight and a knee-length dress so not a happy chappy.

Plus have no presents for anyone, and have to make a portfolio for college application which is very scary. Want to go to sleep and only wake up to go out until, well, would be nice if it was until college really. Just have someone else sort out everything for me.
Fuck it, I don’t want to do this anymore.
-x-