Hope

I don’t want to eat. I used to be able to stop myself, but recently the decipline has all gone. I think the fact that my scales broke might have something to do with it; i was probably losing weight but it wasn’t registering on the scales and in the end I couldn’t see the point but… now I know I’m putting on weight and it still isnt registering on the scales so I’m not bothering to do anything about it. I think if they actually worked then it would shock me into doing something about it.
I dunno, maybe thats not it at all.
Either way, will buy myself some new scales at some point. Don’t know how much money I have left for this month, though, and next month is December (already?!) so I expect I’ll be skint pretty quickly. Maybe next year, or after christmas.

Jesus, I really don’t want it to be christmas time again! Why can’t it be august still? I get the feeling that this winter isn’t going to be as good as the summer was… although the summer was hard to top. I should be thinking positively but, really, I doubt anyone of my friends will get me anything this year. They’re all doing secret santa, which I’m not involved in because I’m not at school with them and because I’m making presents, which is cheaper but takes a hell of a lot more work, and I feel like they’re just going to forget me. I expect they’ll all be thinking that someone else will get me something…
Never mind, those lot always screw up secret santa anyway, they’ve been doing it every year for the past three/four years and it’s not worked out once yet because people forget who they’re supposed to be giving things to or they tell the person and… ergh, yeah, if i’m just going to be bitter about this then I may as well shut up.

Hmm, I’m still cutting. Quite deeply, I guess, though not very often. I don’t know how I feel about it yet, I don’t really feel guilty or ashamed, but I don’t like doing it…. I don’t really get the same relief anymore so I figure I either need to stop, which would be preferable, or I need to go further… which I don’t want to do, I don’t think I have the strength to do,  but… I don’t know, I feel sort of sick talking about it like this, like it doesn’t really matter either way, but that is sort of how I feel about it right now, sort of indifferent… I know I should stop, but I don’t really care if I don’t.

I don’t really know anymore. It seems like all of my friends are pretty screwed up people, and I want to help them but i know that although I can help them in the short term, that what they’ve been doing is longstanding and they won’t get better instantly and in the long run I probably won’t even make an impact but I’ve still got to try and… it’s just too confusing. When did life get this confusing? I think it was easier back when I was younger, and too self obsessed to notice their problems. Ignorance is bliss, I suppose.

Meh

I don’t want to care anymore.

Might go out tonight. If I do I can talk to Rach about stuff maybe, although I’m not going to hold any hopes against it, I think she’s as angry with me as she is with Sophie.
Nevermind, this will all have gone away by next week.
I hope.

-x-